Hi my name is Ninotchka

This year I was diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. 

It's been a journey, and a tough one. It was a light bulb moment for me, it was like a missing puzzle piece for me. It made me understand myself more. But I was also left grieving for the support I wish could have received back then. However, it's not a surprise that women are tested late for ADHD.

Studies have been prioritised to focus primarily on ADHD in men, and women have created coping mechanisms to hide these symptoms, which is known as 'masking'. To add there is also the societal pressure of expectations on how a woman should act.

Before researching about this neurological disorder, I too thought it was just being hyperactive, or being immediately distracted. But this is further from the truth. It affects every part of your life, whether you are, or are not aware of it. 

ADHD is more commonly known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The irony is that this definition is outdated. It's nothing to do with having less concentration or hyperactivity, but more known as a neurological disorder. This is also known as executive dysfunction, if you Google the word, it is defined as a "behavioural symptom that disrupts a persons ability to regulate, control or manage their thoughts, emotions and processes."

I have been living life on the edge for 28 years without knowing I had ADHD, and this was due to masking since I was a kid. 

In my culture openly discussing ADHD is a taboo. Majority of the time you rarely hear about any Nepali who has ADHD, Autism, BPD, or even Bipolar disorder. The reason for this is people find it hard to accept their diagnosis, or they aren't educated on this.

I want to clarify ADHD is inherited, and not caused by taking pain relief, or external factors. ADHD doesn't suddenly appear during adulthood. It became evident to me as I got older that I was struggling, I often found it difficult to process information, and sometimes I had to ask for sentences to be repeated. Moreover, I could also relate my experiences to others who have ADHD. 

This blog post was something I was planning to publish, and although I was hesitant at first, I realise that talking about it might encourage the BAME community and the Nepali community to speak more openly about neurodivergence, and normalise these conversations. I want to highlight that everyone has their own experiences, but it is particularly evident that those in the BAME community face extra struggles due to the lack of support systems and services. This also includes the lack of representation online reflecting the community's limited voice. 

I hope we help those who are ashamed to talk about their diagnosis, or even those who might think they have ADHD. 

I don't know them anymore.

It’s been a few months since I shared my previous post on what had happened to me.

I know I am strong, I wake up everyday moving forward from this ordeal. But I do get triggered in random intervals, as a friend reminded me healing comes in waves. Every survivor is strong, but one thing that enrages me is that the perpetrator moves freely, I can say how much of a disgusting human being Sangit Khadka is. I know he’s probably told all his friends by now how much of a liar I am, and how much I wanted it really. 

I could give you all the statistics on rape, and how many women report it, or how many get their rapists jailed. I won’t be providing you with statistics, because it is all over the news. It is everywhere on the internet, all of you have access to every single information that is available to you online. 

I’m not here to convince you rape and sexual assault is wrong. Because it is wrong. It is inhumane. Even till this day it still happens to women and girls.

Thank you to those who showed me their support. Since posting about my rape I want to acknowledge the women who privately messaged me, and opened up  to me about their own experiences of being raped and sexually assaulted. I value how safe you felt to open up to me, know that you are brave. And unfortunately not everyone will understand how we feel everyday, but I am glad you are here, and fighting everyday. Please don't stop.

The whole intention from my previous post was to directly call out my rapist, and my cousin Neharika Chaudary who chose not to protect me, and has since been defending her actions.

But imagine having to convince people to show their support to you publicly. To tell people please voice your support. It is a shame people have to be told how to act.

It is a shame that we as girls, and women have to be blamed for what happened to us. 

It is also a shame there are women out there who affirm and favour the rapist by excusing his actions, and shaming the survivor. I call out on the behaviours of these women - they should be ashamed for supporting these men. 

But God forbid the female population are shamed for having sex outside of marriage, if any of us chose not to have sex this wouldn't have happened. If we had dressed, or acted more conservatively this wouldn't have happened. If we just kept quiet, and were good girls that stayed at home, none of this would have happened right?

Wrong. Any acts committed by a male, is a choice made by them. It was premediated. 

Regardless of how a female dresses, or behaves this will not encourage a man to rape or sexually assault them. Instead the man has already made the choice to commit this crime.

To all my relatives who think being silent, being “neutral” means you are mature. You are part of the problem. I am not surprised by their decisions, this is also a reality that ignorance is bliss to them. I don’t need to call out their names, but you know who you are. More so I have already chosen not to know them anymore.

Silence shows how much you side with the perpetrator. 

During this time of reflection I have realised how we as women, and girls are made to feel. That we are blamed, and convinced we are the ones who are at fault. Someone who has a South Asian background, we are told to bury these traumas, and carry on as if it's nothing. We must not allow society, or relatives to shame us for what has been done to us. This is not about picking sides, this is about your morals. This is not about you declaring both of them are your nieces, and you don't want to choose a side. This is not about you.

I hope that one day, instead of asking what she was wearing, or how she was behaving. We shame the man. No need to ask him questions on why he did. He had already decided as soon as he saw the woman or girl enter the room.

Those who are going through their own trauma, and want support know that you are not alone. When I realised I was raped I wanted to kill myself, all these thoughts were already attacking me. I thought if I had ended my life the pain would go away. But after a few months at home in London, I then realised I want to be alive, no matter how hard it was going to be, I had to keep pushing through, I wasn't going to let this motherfucker ruin my life. 

Please see below the services that can provide you with the support you need:

The London Survivors Gateway: www.survivorsgateway.london 

London Rape Crisis: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Samaritans: www.samaritans.org

Galop: (Specialist LGBTQI+ Support) www.galop.org.uk

Victim Support: www.victimsupport.org.uk (South London)

Survivors UK: www.survivorsuk.org (Men and boys who have been raped and sexually abused)

Your silence will not protect you.

After a brief recuperation from my previous post- I’m not going to stop discussing this. I will continue to write about my experience with sexual assault/rape. I don't want to be somewhere in my 60’s regretting that I didn't call out the people that were involved, and maybe it is time that I say something.

 
My courage outweighs my fear. 

On November 16th 2022, I was raped by Sangit Khadka (@khadka_kumar_sangit), my cousin Neharika Chaudary's (@_rikaney and @neyha.c) male friend. I was raped in her bedroom (in her family home). And my dear cousin did nothing to help me.

It was said to me by her former lover Bhusan (who's mostly thinking he's scott free whilst he's currently studying in Australia, his Instagram is @pipebombbb). He stated to me on the phone that to Neharika's defence she wanted to intervene, but he told her to stop and to not get involved. Their silence and passivity made them as guilty of the crime than the main perpetrator. It did feel 3 against 1 person, showing their complicity.

Surely you must be thinking that Neharika has some sort of guilt- that is incorrect. Whilst having a discussion with her, she most adamantly defended his innocence, but reminded me “it’s not about me.”
The betrayal of family cuts you deep, it's forever embedded in my heart, that is why I REFUSE to visit Nepal. I refuse to face the music, and I don’t want to see family and I don’t trust any of them. Betrayal by someone in your own family is a truth that is hard to swallow. This whole ordeal has demonstrated to me the best support isn’t always from your own kin.
You know when you realise that the people you are friends with represent who you are as a person? Well, this was proved correctly by meeting Neharika's friends. I remember a past conversation I had with her female friend, who unwaveringly decided it was easy for a survivor to tell someone they were raped; and had no sympathy.
There is a sense of regret that I came to Nepal to celebrate Neharika’s birthday, but instead I lost my old life.  
I did find it freeing when I wrote about my trauma. However I know healing is linear.
Do I hate my cousin? I absolutely do. I miss the old me, the one that doesn’t have intense panic attacks, or the one who doesn’t cry when she tried to have consensual sex. But, I know that with support of my close friends and my own resilience, I will not only survive, but thrive! 

 
Sex education is lacking, and this type of ignorance is prevalent in Nepali society. In my culture when you try to tell your own child(ren) about sex, the parent tells their daughter to close her legs and to wait for her future husband, but boys will be boys.
As much as it feels Nepali society is finally standing up for justice, but change is too slow for victims on a judicial and societal level, and a vast majority Nepali society uphold misogynistic ideology that blames the victims. Victim blaming is not a Nepali issue, but rather a world problem. Nepal is simply the country in question for this post.

Everywhere around the world if we dress a certain type of way, if we drink, or get intoxicated- when a woman shares her experience it’s our fault.
It took me 2 years to finally open up about my rape, of course I know the repercussions of this decision, I know some of my family members will judge me or label me as a bad influence. I will forever be some type of black sheep to them, and while that’s not ok - I've accepted that. I want to openly stand up for myself, I want to warn any women knowing a man like Khadka- for them to be careful, to watch out!
I could provide you with so many examples where women are failed by the law, community and family. But we would be here for a long time, and this would be revisiting traumas for all women. As much as I want to provide more examples this does nothing, we need action, we need change. The first step is realising that our silence doesn't protect us, but shields our abusers.

The silencing of her.

Sex. I said it. There. The word that everyone tells other people to be quiet about. The sexual revolution is a movement of being able to freely express the behavior related to sexuality and interpersonal relationships. This social movement thoroughly influenced western developed countries from the 1960s to the 1970s. It was the ever-growing mindset of people during that time that helped shape and change people's perspective on sex. From sex being outside of marriage, to pornography, homosexuality, and the pill and contraceptives. A whole movement that encouraged all to enjoy sex. 

The irony is that consent should have always been taught. So why is it now that most people’s mindsets are still backwards?

If the society we live in now is so pro-sex, why hasn’t their mindset towards victims of rape/sexual assault changed?

Why did it take a man to assume that when he was having sex with me, it was no longer my own body? That I no longer have control of my own bodily autonomy. 

Why was it okay for these witnesses to stare and not say anything? I can bet some of you reading this post are already thinking, 'What made him do that? Are you sure that happened to you?'

I can tell you it did. It took me a few days to even get in my mind that this happened to me. The aftershock is still there. Do I trust men? The answer to that is yes/no. It has taken me a year to even try to at least trust any man, such as a friend or relative. Reading so many horrible news articles of how women are treated is triggering. How can we continue to tell the rest of society to stand up and do something?

Haven’t men realized this by now? The answer is yes. The rise of these men’s podcasts has led to giving men the platform to freely express how much they disrespect women. People such as Andrew Tate are sociopaths who are smart enough to know that what they say is detrimental to young boys.

Each year I have lost faith in humanity. Maybe it is because of my trauma, or maybe I’m absolutely tired of having to constantly relive the memory of that night. Of having to be scared when an opposite sex even accidentally rubs his arms or bumps into me.

I remember returning back home and wanting to wash every part of that night away. But I couldn’t. It was like a part of me had died inside. I didn’t trust anyone. I mean, even now, I find it difficult to open up with new people.

I remember missing work for a few days when I returned back to London. I just wanted to hide from the world. Regardless if a young single woman wants to actually have fun, why is it my fault a man couldn’t control himself?

Would it make you feel better if I never wanted fun and was waiting for marriage? If I never had any experience, you would then not somewhat blame me?

I do want to give a shout out to Michaela Coel for creating a show called ‘I May Destroy You,’ because without this show, I wouldn’t have realised what happened to me was wrong.

Healing from rape is a process. There is no due date to get over it. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal parts of it. But I do want to tell those who have gone through this: you are not alone. Don’t listen to ignorant people. In fact, be around people who support you, be it friends or even family, whoever you trust.

Maybe I’m crazy to have written this in the first place, but I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t want this horrible situation to represent me as a whole. We are told and shown in the media that rape is being forced against your will, but it can be through other ways. I don’t want to disclose further descriptions of my rape, but I do want to add that you don’t forget about it, but you work on living your life through this trauma.

Brown Girl vs her skin

What is beauty?

It is described in the Cambridge dictionary as the quality of being pleasing and attractive.

Beauty is from the eyes of the beholder, I remember when I was 4 years old and beauty in my eyes then was white, tall and slender. In the media they had about 95% of attractive white male and female models selling perfumes, shampoos and lingerie.

This was how much the media was telling me directly what beauty was. There was only 5% of ethnic minorities I saw on billboards and adverts.

Back then it was difficult the only thing that came close or you expected to see representation was tall models with brunette hair. 

I know that even though we have Bollywood full of brown actors, these big time celebrities are still selling whitening creams. It’s the fact that we are told by our brown counterparts that lighter skin is beautiful.

Need I say more that even in our Asian culture we’re made fun of if our skin is darker, I was called “kali” because I was darker than my mother. This name calling and “jokes” gave me a negative imagery of myself.

This affected my ability to see my own beauty, growing up  and being in a predominantly white group of friends was difficult, I always compared myself and saw my white friends as being prettier. Why did the media perceive ethnic girls as being less pretty than their white counterparts?

Even now in dating shows for example most of the seasons in the UK Love Island series always chose contestants who preferences were white women. It was always black or brown girls that were the last pick, or the male contestants type were “brown hair girls”.

When I went on dates, some of the guys would out of the blue “reassure me” and tell me they’re not into white girls- which was firstly very weird to even tell me that and other females are not my competition. The other time was that they said they never dated a brown girl before- I hate this, we’re not Pokémon to collect and nor are we an experiment.

Sometimes I still feel like this- that me a brown girl is second option, loving your identity your race is an ongoing journey. We still need to remember that our brown smooth skin is beautiful. 

 

What can be done?

This is the final part to my previous post about men’s mental health. I’ve asked a small number of men on their experience and although it maybe be a shock to some learning about this, it isn’t to the rest of us. Mental health isn’t a new thing for men, due to the socialisation and the pressure from certain influences, it can be hard to identify and to know this is happening to them. I hope these posts help at least someone to understand or even to know they aren’t suffering by themselves and there is help out there.

What are some of the things you do to help yourself?

Person A:  I kind of covered it but to help myself I have meds and my therapist. I also use the calm app to do daily medication and to help me sleep. Eating and sleeping properly plus doing regular exercise and being sociable helps me stay in a good headspace too.

Person B: What helped me was a number of things working together. We must obviously promote healthier lifestyles, going out for walks and eating well because I really enjoy my alone time in the gym where it’s just me and my workout. But most of all what I found myself to be a huge outlet was writing or finding a creative outlet. Writing worked for me because I was able to express myself and my emotions on paper or in my notes and no one ever had to see it. But once I wrote it down it really did feel as though those feelings passes through my fingertips and out my body or at least the strong feelings did- it made feel a lot better. That as well as watching shows/doing things I liked when I wanted to and not worrying about other for some time. It’s important to be selfish sometimes.

Person C: In the previous question I touched based on some of the things I do to improve my mental health. A common one is gym- but gym is a double edge sword, if I train for the wrong reasons it will deteriorate my mental health. In that case I made it clear why I was training, to feel better for myself and to reach specific goals for it e.g. fitting into my Spiderman outfit. I also embraced more of my inner child and did things I knew I always enjoyed while balancing good work ethic. Thankfully I was always able to speak with my family about my issues and this always helped me feel more at ease and lastly I think some guys should masturbate (or if they have a girlfriend or have more healthy sex) more to release the stress and feel more comfortable with their own body as it makes us feel wanted.

Person D: As I’ve gone through life I can start to tell when I’m starting to slip back into things so it’s less about  helping myself and more preemptive damage control. Like when I feel a depressive episode coming I’ll try and reach out to friends and get outside more and that kinda thing before it gets too deep and I just shut myself away. Interesting that you ask this now though because the last few weeks I have been looking into therapy and possibly taking antidepressants. Also a stat that I read somewhere is that suicide is the number one cause of death for men under 30.

Let’s sit down and talk….

When it comes to mental health everyone experiences it differently and most times it can be hard open up and talk about what you’re going through.

So here is the second part to yesterdays post, before moving forward to read the experiences, some of the issues mentioned may be triggering.

Tell me about your experiences with mental health?

Person A: 

In terms of my experiences, I’ve had panic attacks since I was 8 on and off to the point where at worst I can’t leave the house for fairly long periods when it gets bad. I still suffer on and off now but it’s mostly manageable and I have a good therapist and take sertraline on a low dose to help with it. I used to be super anti medication and to some extent still am so I didn’t start taking it till 18, but at that time in my life I needed it for things to be manageable.

Person B:

As for my experiences with mental health, I’ve always felt like I was never good enough. I’m always the problem. People don’t care about me or what I have to say and so I began to view myself as inferior and “other”. 

This got to the point where I was genuinely sitting in my balcony and even climbed up on the ledge thinking of jumping off. ODing on pills or just hanging myself so that it would be clean with no blood or mess for whoever found me. My brain let me down. But that was brought about by childhood trauma and having a father myself who said similar things about weakness and vulnerability to me.

So I never had a real outlet for expressing myself and my emotions with how I felt. I just thought it was normal to suffer because it was “a phase that would soon pass” as well as not wanting to be a burden to someone else and the whole invalidating myself because there’s suffering elsewhere in the world- the whole “children are starving” and dying in other places.

Person C:

Mental health for me has definitely being a journey for me, to shutting myself from the world and not knowing what it meant to "act like a man" since my father figure only showed me what a men "should never do". Also growing up around women and learning to respect them made me feel I wish I wasn't a man to fit in and not feel like we are trash, but eventually over the time and become more mature I started experimenting with meditation and started doing the things that made me happy despite how childish it seems or how sensitive it made me look and it has helped me understand that I should act "like a man " but rather act like a good human being and take of my mental health the same way, or if not more than I take care of my body

Person D:

My journey with my own mental health is hard one to answer, I go through phases where I don’t like myself very much at all but other times I think I’m God’s gift to the world. Like mental health covers a lot of different aspects of life but to me it’s almost just a synonym for depression. When I was younger I thought about taking my life a few times, but as I get older the lows seem more frequent but less deep.

This whole lockdown things have been heavy though, the feelings of loneliness was very hard to deal with, especially at the start. I’ve tried the whole drugs to take your mind off it, but personally that usually makes things worse and feel even lower overall.

Can we talk…

This post has been in the works for some time now, so here is part two with questions for men on mental health. 

Mental health is always an important issue I care about, and I wanted to de-stigmatise the way society views men’s mental health.  

The questions I’ve asked these individuals were all open ended, and this is just the first part of the questions I’ve asked them, these will be split up in parts, and posted the next day. I didn’t want to write everything in one blog post, I wanted to create a stage where we can understand what a person is going through.

We are all so quick to have expectations on how a man should behave and to make fun of a man for expressing his emotions.

Before we go ahead with the first question, I want to thank the individuals for taking part and for being able to share their experiences which isn’t an easy thing.

How can we bring up men’s mental health?

Person A : I think bringing up men’s mental health is easiest when it comes up naturally in different situations, like I don’t like to bring mine up randomly, but I’m usually comfortable talking about it if someone asks me or in the right setting.

So if there were spaces to talk about it at work or in formal settings or if friends and family asked about it more often in a supportive way I’d feel more comfortable talking about it. 

Person B: It’s a tough one to because we’re always told to “man up”, “grow some balls”, etc and are told that “men don’t cry”, “crying is showing weakness” and that we cannot show those weaknesses. Because of this I think we need to start small before we can go big. So we can’t expect men to immediately talk about their feelings and share when they feel overwhelmed and that they can’t cope. But we mustn’t let it get to that point either.

We have to ensure that men know it is okay to be vulnerable, to be weak, and to show feeling because that’s what makes human. We also need to further and healthily promote that they aren’t alone in how they feel however we can. Whether it be statistics like or videos etc. And of course speaking out breaking social norms that men need to be “manly” men who don’t talk about feelings and all that nonsense. Not only for the men living right now but also so that if they become fathers their sons won’t have to suffer with mental health issues and it’s normal for them to talk.

Person C: I think it's a matter of making men feel safe and that their ego won't be attacked, cause despite the tough persona men are quite sensitive and that's because they get brought up thinking showing emotion or talking about mental health makes you weak.

Person D: So I think the biggest way to improve men’s mental health is to de-stigmatise asking for help, like we’re moving in the right direction but still most guys I know would never ask for professional help, and yet a lot of guys I know when they actually open up have suffered from depression or suicidal thoughts at some point. There’s that whole thing of “I’m the man so I have make sure everyone else is ok and just suck it up if I’m not ok,”

like backwards sexism or something? 

Like having an environment where dude can open up without the thought that they’re weak or they’ll get judged for doing so. And being about to seek professional help without the feeling of being weak, a sort of example of this is I know three girls diagnosed with borderline personality disorder- I don’t know a single guy with this diagnosis of anything yet I’m pretty much friends with equal amount girls and guys.

Dhal bhat and fish and chips

I’m in bed right now ill from the lack of rest and I’m here missing my country and the hot weather. I’ve spoken to all my friends about my time in Nepal, and are probably sick of hearing me wanting to return every so often. Previously I hadn’t visited in nearly 5 years and now I’ve told everyone how much I love being there, and asking them to join me when I return.

It’s funny when you haven’t lived your whole life in a country you were born in. I remember when I left Nepal, I was only 4 years old, I was upset with my mother and didn’t want to leave all my relatives and my cousin behind. Turbulence was dreadful and it was cramped on the plane, when I arrived in London it was night time. I stared at my surroundings and felt homesick, everything was loud. My aunt and great uncle greeted us and we arrived in my new home in South Croydon.

A few months later I had started school, it was a difficult time for me, I had an accent and my English was terrible. However I was only a child and looking back at it now it was impressive I was coping being in classes with a few words I could say in English. 

I think that was the start of me rejecting my culture, I barely wanted to continue speaking Nepali and wanted to stop eating my home food. I remember teachers commenting, “she smells of curry” or people taking the piss out what Nepal sounds like “nipples” and groups of children bullying me because I looked different. So I swapped my dhal and bhat for sandwiches and pasta and avoided most parts of my culture. 

It became evident in year 2 (I was 8 years old) I wanted to hide from where I was from. My mum forced me to wear our cultural dress for international evening. For those who don’t know what international evening is, it was an event ran by schools that allowed students to showcase their culture. This event was where each student could either bring their cultural food or even present a dance to show where they’re from. 

I want to thank my mum for forcing me to wear a kurta that evening, it was showing everyone who I am and where I’m from, because now 26 year old me is happy that I didn’t wear jeans and a top that day. Even more I appreciate my mum, grandma and aunts encouraging me to speak Nepali at home because I would have lost my mother tongue.

When I was a teenager, I definitely felt out place, I was the only person from Nepal at my secondary (high-school). It made it difficult and sometimes I wished there was another Nepali. I was so jealous of all my friends who had their own groups (Latinas, Filipinos, Portuguese and many more groups).

I was 13 years old when I first returned to Nepal, it didn’t feel like home, of course it had been 9 years since I was last in Nepal, and I felt like a stranger in my own country. All I kept wishing was to go back home to England, skip to a further 7 years later and I was 20 years old, it was prominent I felt the cultural dysphoria. 

I remember feeling so confused because some people in Nepal felt offended I called England my country, and the other half in England saying I’m British. I felt so lost and unsure who I was. But what I know is that I slowly fell in love with Nepal on my second visit and I started to appreciate the culture and wanted to practice my language. Of course even now speaking Nepali can be a bit difficult but staying there for 3 months helped me improve.

I’m forever grateful that I can speak my language and even though I’m not the most fluent I’m happy I’m always trying. 

The language and food of my culture is something I want to keep a hold onto, but it is also the people I want to hold on to close in my life. 

In my culture, and I’m sure in other cultures we have big families, we treat our cousins as brothers and sisters. This is something which has been encouraged and I was socialised into since I was small, my baby cousins are my little sisters and they truly are my sisters, and only in the recent years have I tried and truly yearn for a close relationship with the rest of my  cousins. It made me desire to have this relationship with them because of my mum and her sisters close relationship with their cousins, hearing about their memories when they were young. Which is why I also miss my cousins in Nepal. So to my cousins in Nepal and elsewhere I am not sorry for the constant messaging and calls. I hope we maintain a close relationship wherever we are!

My friendship circle has also changed, I have my own group of Nepali friends and this is also one of the many reasons where I won’t forget about my culture and for me appreciate it more, one of the guys I know also showed me how to make Newari (a Nepalese tribe) momos, which I now wholeheartedly can make. Which also shaped my love of cooking!

So back to the present time, here I am missing Nepal, I remember my kaka (uncle) asking me why I love Nepal so much? I don’t have one answer for it, I have several, coming back makes me feel nostalgic, it’s a missing puzzle piece, it’s a part of me. I remember last week when I arrived in Kathmandu, as soon as I stepped into my bojus (grandmothers) house I realised how much I missed this country. It’s the people and the laidback, chill atmosphere, the complete opposite to London. Someone who has anxiety and depression, being in Nepal has helped me feel better and takes away my anxiety. 

To the people who ask me who am I- I am both Nepali and British, I have a sense of belonging for both and this is who I am! Some times I will feel the cultural dysphoria, however I remind myself that I’m happy to be raised in two different places.

The virgin Mary

Mother if you’re reading this, cover your eyes.

Ever since I was a kid, I was always taught how a woman’s virginity is sacred. Picture the scene from Jane the Virgin where Jane’s grandmother describes a damaged flower as your virginity. Most times I wish I was told of this, instead of my great aunt telling me don’t let any man touch you down there it’s very special. Even now she reminds me to “protect myself”, virginity is a funny word.

I remember when I went to catholic school and there was a overdramatic shock other girls had already lost their virginity. We all were judging them because they chose to sleep with someone, and it was scandalous.

Even now we judge women for choosing to sleep with someone else before marriage. Isn’t it a funny thing when girls choose to wait until marriage to have sex and she gets mocked for this choice too.

There are pressures of being celibate and it is a challenging one, you have friends all around you who already had sex and share their experiences of any Tom, Dick or Harry they’ve been with. If you lose your virginity now you can be in the same league with your friends, but if you wait you would have missed out on your own experiences. It’s a dilemma, the worst is religion teaching you it’s a beautiful thing to wait and you and your partner will only have each other for the rest of your life, it’s the whole romanticism of being a female who is a virgin. One that films like to describe, including the bible as something sacred or special.

The thing is that yes do it when you’re ready, do it with the right person and you will have shared a great memory or enjoyed yourself, however losing your virginity is not candles and rose petals on the bed, it’s far from that- it’s human pleasure.

We women have been presented with a fantasy that it will blow your mind on the first time, and I’m sure it’s the same with men too. We all have an expected fantasies that doesn’t become reality and so the best thing is enjoy yourself. We need to stop romanticising a woman’s virginity, she won’t be wearing white in her first time that’s for sure.

I know there are women out there that are in fact tired of waiting for sex after marriage that they just want to get this done and get on with their lives.

If you want to sleep with someone then do it, if you want to wait till marriage then do that, but do what you feel is right not what society expects of you.

The irony is society celebrates when a man loses his virginity, funny enough they encourage it and emasculate them if they choose not to sleep with anyone. However it’s the total opposite for a woman, we shouldn’t be enjoying our sexuality we should withhold sex and be celibate if we have sex now then we are not new we’re used and it’s not attractive to a man.

I remember when an article came out that T.I. would still get his daughter checked to see if her hymen was intact. As he says, “I will say, as of her 18th birthday, her hymen is still intact.” This is an extreme example of how society sees fit to socialise us from a young age, but I’m not surprised a man still has to find a way to control us, although it isn’t just men trying to invoke some sort of control through sex. Many other women have been conditioned to believe that a woman is “clean” and “innocent”, and “respectable” if she doesn’t give herself so easily for a man.

Moreover what T.I. said is damaging, this affects women being able to have no control over their own body, and it raises another issue with women’s reproduction rights. Can I also just say that just because a females hymen is not in tact does not mean anything, it’s not always to do with sex.

Even now when a woman chooses to have sex on the first date she is seen as easy. In fact whenever a woman wants to have sex she is judged so easily, I remember girls and boys labelling this female a slut because she’s being honest about her sexuality, and wanted to have sex with a guy, most of them thought she was looking too eager.

The whole point of feminism is equality for both sexes, however when a female wants casual sex and “acts” the way a man behaves, she is punished for her actions, unlike males they are given hi fives and rewarded for their actions. It’s difficult to manoeuvre in a man’s world. 

Sex is how you want it to go, choose who you want to do it with, do it safe and create communication.

“ I will not be judged by you or society, I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe- and kneel” - Samantha Jones

We’re tired of this shit

 I could write an Instagram post or a story about how all of us females feel, but then again people would forget how we feel and see it as a trend.

How many times do we have to tell you men how we feel? How many times do we have to voice our horrid experiences that left us with trauma for people to finally say we’re going to change this now?

How many times do we have to put our keys between our hand in the night to feel safe?

How many times do we have to pretend to be nice to a creep to stop them following us home or to work?

How many times do we have to laugh at a sexist joke so we don’t get called sensitive or a snowflake?

No let me finish speaking. 

I could speak about my own experiences, but what I want to write about is the way men have been socialised to treat women and how some women have contributed to it.

It’s not just about us walking by ourselves in the night, and not about us leaving out our drinks. It’s about how we’ve been socialised from a small age to treat a female. 

I’ve been around a group of men, and hearing how they speak about a woman is disgusting it doesn’t matter to them if they have a mother or sister. 

“Rah did you see that? Look how short her shorts her.”

“She’s had more men in that bed than I have had of women in my bed.”

“Your nails are disgustingly long, slags in my area have nails like that, you’re not a slag so why are you wearing that. My female friends also wear fake nails, and they’re insecure people.”

“He was just being nice, you should dance with him.”

“She is a slag for sleeping with another man so quick.”

“I find women annoying, even if I am one they’re just bitchy, this is why I get along with men more.”

“You know you don’t need to wear tops to show your tits all the time.”

“My mum would kill me if I ever wore a top showing my cleavage.”

“You’re a slag for coming home late”

These are the things I’ve heard, and I will admit I’ve been involved for not standing up to this way of thinking. It’s something I’ve had to correct myself and educate myself, I’ve had to leave these types of friendships and relationships to not be influenced with these misogynistic opinions.

We women are also the problem, we let our male friends judge and name call a women and let them treat other females terribly. I’m not going to say imagine if she was your relative, because it would mean we should only empathise a women because of their roles in a family, such as a mother, sister, daughter or a niece.

But I won’t because we’re human beings, we should be treated as equals.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a feminist, you can be the nicest man however we don’t owe you sex. 

I want to say not all men. However the issue with that is we’re congratulating you for being a decent human being. That is the bare minimum, what should be happening is, the not all men crowd should correct and educate his male cohorts.

We encourage women to dress however they want it’s they’re body, however when a male relative is at home we have to cover up. Why do we have to cover up if a male relative cannot control himself or sexualises their nieces or daughters? We’ve been sexualised from a young age to dress decent in front of a male relative.

I could go on about how the system has failed to protect women however we all know that.

So how many missing women will it take, until we’re taken seriously? Men, what will you do?

Finding yourself in your 20’s

 I always find it funny when people tell me you’ll find yourself in university, or in your thirties you won’t have the same pressure of trying to impress other or feel like you have to have everything in place.

I believe your twenties is whatever you make it, and continue doing when you get older.

I remember when I was 14 fantasying what I would be doing when I’m 18. I thought I would be studying art or fashion and for some reason wearing really nice coats with a beret. Looking back at it now, I didn’t study any of these subjects and it’s different than I imagined.

All of sudden I’m at university imagining what my career would be. I was so unsure, I’m still learning and finding things I like. Finding yourself is a never-ending journey because a career can change, your hobbies won’t be the same, and you’ll have a different group of friends or you may even move to a different city or country.

So what I’m saying is enjoy yourselves, you’ll be working hard all your life but you’re missing out on experiencing life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is true what they say everyone is on their own journey which means you won’t be at the same pace. Sometimes I know I’m hard on myself and I have to remind myself that life isn’t a competition, things take it’s own course.

The final chapter - acceptance

Acceptance does take time, depending on the person and the situation healing can be quick or slow. My healing has been a rollercoaster, but honestly, I've never been so much happier and free. I've started to think more about myself, I saw more of my friends and spent time with my family. I was remembering who I was. I feel that I have changed. 

I’ve experienced going through these stages of grief so many times that it became a habit. At the end of the day I realise now all of this was toxic, why go through all of this to ruin your mental health. I’ve accepted what I’ve gone through however forgiveness is a different issue. Forgiveness takes time it can take years but I’ve come to terms and know there is still a lot of healing to go through. 

The things I’ve learned is:

If you’re truly not happy leave the situation, do not be a people pleaser.

Your emotions are valid- do not let anyone make you feel otherwise 

Do not beg to be treated the bare minimum - dogs, and cats get treated better than that

Do not let anyone make you feel like the bare minimum is the most they can do

Don't question if this person loves you or likes you, question yourself if you do and if you deserve more

So go to that country you've always wanted to travel to, go to the restaurant you've waited to go to, read the book you want, tell someone how you feel, and don't ever regret it. Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons. You either take it or repeat the same mistakes.

Cloudy with a side of sadness and hope- Depression and the upward turn

Depression really affects you, it feels like time is going by really slow. You want everything to go by quick so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I know at this stage you feel hopeless and you don’t see much change. Change can be at a slower pace but sometimes you may not see it but the people around you does. I remember feeling this way and at this stage, I didn’t feel like eating, I just felt upset with myself and wanted to cry or listen to sad music or watch a sad film. I wanted to continue to feel this wave of sadness. It's the cycle you want to avoid but it's the feeling that will emerge one way or the other.

The best thing to do is try one step at a time, as much as you want to move on from this feeling, it doesn't work that way. 

It’s so much easier to have a support system that reminds you constantly who you are, however at the end of the day you will be the one alone with your thoughts. The mind is a battlefield, but you can do it. I remember previously constantly blaming myself or replaying a scene and obsessing over it. It became so unhealthy that I had to step outside of my situation and see the bigger picture I was not happy. I was trying so hard to show someone how much I love them, that I was sacrificing my own happiness. *Sidenote - doesn’t matter how much you show a person you love them however they will continue to disrespect you. They will only show you this change temporarily. 

I remember crying every time telling myself something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I found myself finding comfort through eating and lost my own confidence. I was feeding on the negativity I was told and the countless feelings of insecurity that one day I was getting ready and I looked at the mirror. I could see how much physically and emotionally I was drained. What made me want to leave the situation was because I wasn’t happy, all my life I had subconsciously been led to believe the sacrifices you have done are enough, there will be a deferred gratification, that not everything is perfect - which was a problematic way of thinking. Always put your happiness first never prioritize another person because they will never live up to your expectation or they will continue to hurt you.

Thunder and lightening - Anger and Bargining

 

I have a lot to say about anger, we all get angry but we forget to rationalise in the moment. We feel betrayed and want to hurt the other person. I’ve experienced these before and honestly anger can go two ways, one is pettiness (temporary feeling) and the other is being able to contain the emotion.

My relationship with anger has been a track record. Why do I say that you ask? Well because I’ve been hurt and felt like a fool before, when there’s always been a red flag or a sign.

When it came to friendship there were signs that pointed out this person had pretty much overstayed their welcome in this friendship. I refused to listen I was so stubborn that I forced the friendship. Being angry is completely normal, but blaming yourself for someone’s actions is not it.

Even in my relationships, one of my exes for example I loved him so much, but love should not be the only reason to stay. When the relationship ended I blamed his friends, a small part of me still does. I know it’s not their fault however my ex had a habit of blaming other people, even when he decided on the choices he made himself and then take it out on me. It led to me despising his friends. One of the main reasons was being kind to them and then finding out they all knew the truth and couldn’t look me in the eyes, or before that one of them being unfriendly. That’s when everything I felt then it all exploded. A part of me wanted to scream at everyone but then again why blame a third party when the person you loved chose to hurt you.That’s when you start to shake it off and pick yourself up, the road to recovery and healing wasn’t easy, sometimes it still isn’t. 

Bargaining in a friendship or a relationship - even if it’s something you may or may not have done you beg the person telling them you’ll promise you’ll change. It’s a temporary promise or it can either be genuine. When you lose a friend you expect to go back to the way it used to be but that won’t last, you’re ignoring the underlying truth. Some friendships are there for you to learn from and to grow.

Also when you’re at this stage of bargaining, the person will love bomb you. Love bombing is when the person manipulates and influences your decision, they will tell you how much they love you. You’re the love of their life. It goes on until you change your mind. A manipulation tactic, that instantly makes you forget the individuals actions.

So remember this please do not get confused with compromise and bargaining 2 very different things. Compromise is healthy and finding a balance, bargaining is begging to do all the things a person had promised to do for a long time ago. Bargaining is temporary and doesn’t last long.

Being angry is healthy but staying in that feeling isn’t. It’s accepting the situation knowing that you couldn’t change it but forgiving the people. Forgiveness is difficult but it sets your mind free from feeling all this hate and negative processing.

Guilt and anger

 

The painstaking feeling that you thought you did your best, however you question everything. Then you start to ask yourself where it went wrong. I’ve been on this road before I kept looking at what’s wrong with me and was I not good enough?  I remember trying so hard at something and it got me so angry. Giving your time to something or someone is a lot of energy, but not receiving the same energy is painful. Grief is a process, sometimes it will take longer than you’re expecting it too but other times you have moved on emotionally. After asking yourself all these questions, anger is the next step. You want to punch a wall, drink away or you want to scream. You want to hurt the person back the same way they hurt you, but it doesn’t work, you only feel this temporary high of being petty or shady. After that you feel empty, that high you feel vanishes and it was all for nothing. You just get angry all over again it’s a cycle. 

Denial / Pain

The steps to healing is one of the longest process to do because you have to constantly remind yourself who you always were and is now.

I’ve always said this for a long time and that is healing is to find yourself again.

Well besides that, the main reason is to process how you’re feeling and accept the situation you couldn’t change.

I hated going through these stages, every time I would play music or go on the phone and call my friends. I hated being alone with my thoughts. It was always me allowing my mind to rewind the same scenes that made me upset.

I remember when I was going through the end of a friendship with someone who I had known for over 10 years. We had both changed these few years and part of me didn’t feel like seeing her and even our opinions didn’t quite match- which was the main reason that I realised I didn’t want her in my life anymore.

The hardest thing to do was to end a friendship. 

Breakups with an ex may be painful but friendship breakups are the worst. 

I was in denial that I could have this person in my life but the cracks were showing we just weren’t going through the same path in life. I remember being really upset over how long I've known her for. However, it didn’t matter how long you knew someone but rather it mattered how well they treated you and how much these people had a positive impact in your life. It’s not a Disney channel show where they are there in your life every day, my friends and I may not talk every day but we’re all still there for each other. 

Denial is the first stage in trying to heal, it’s so hard. You keep telling yourself this person wouldn’t do that to you, that’s not them. You would look at other third parties and blame them. I remember blaming my exes friends for the way he behaved and how they chose not to stop him from behaving like this (as words by him). Which of course wasn’t the truth, he is his own person and he chose to do it. I was in so much denial that this is who he actually is. So many red flags that I chose to be colour blind.

My family and friends had to remind me that this was unhealthy and I deserved so much better. I finally passed the denial stage because you need to look at the bigger picture, I was looking at the current person and seeing how well they will be in 5 years' time, I was ignoring my unhappiness and thinking that he and I would get past these “hardships”. It was an unhealthy way to look at it. As hard as it was to accept the relationship was over.

I put denial and pain together because even though it’s denial it’s painful to look at the bigger picture and accept that some things don’t last. Denial was my defense mechanism and I wasn’t allowing myself to process this pain. 

Taken for granted

If I put a pound in how many times people took us for granted I would be rich by now.

The definition is that it fails to properly appreciate (someone or something) especially as a result of overfamiliarity.

Why am I writing about taken for granted?

Someone who has been treated like this or been on the opposite end fails to realise how short life really is. 

We’re so used to having our friends or families around us for so long that we forget that anything can happen to them.

In my experience, I’ve met people who were in my life for a short time or those who are going to be there permanently. If I had to put the most obvious point there is, is that these people won’t be there in your life forever but you keep treating them like they will be. 

It’s also a choice to decide who you want in your life. When I was a kid I badly wanted to be a part of this group and I kept forcing myself even though they clearly did not like me. But somehow I chose them to be my supposed “friends”.

Years later I’m here thinking why did I do that, but I was a child and wanted someone to appreciate me and accept me into a group.

Another example was relationships with my ex-boyfriends. I put some of them as a priority and rarely focused on my family or friends or even myself. I remember coming out of these relationships and my loved ones telling me that my whole personality had changed. All my own opinions had been lost and I had used my exes' opinions as my own. 

It’s not just about relationships but also work life. We can all relate, it’s the one where we work so hard and yet we don’t receive the thanks we get. I remember this affecting my mental health and every day I was questioning my existence.

Everything is a balance and everything we have we shouldn’t take for granted. All the main people in my life I know won’t always be there. 

This is what I know and that is appreciation comes a long way, it truly is the bare minimum we fail to give to the people in our life.

Stuck

Before you start reading this, just a warning there will be sensitive stuff in regards to mental health. 

It’s been far too long since I last wrote a post. Feeling like I’m in a rut. During the pandemic my mental health has been a rollercoaster, it’s been up and down. Most times I’m feeling so good about myself and then later on I remember how there’s nothing else to do, you’re trapped in a box and you have to constantly stay in there. It’s definitely a fight with your inner thoughts.

I know since last year there has been rise of mental health issues, there can be many reasons why people are feeling this way.

Here are the many reasons for you to continue on living:

1.)  Who knows what the next day will be like? The future is always full of surprises (it won’t be bad news this time)

2.)  The call you’ve been waiting for

3.) A new door that will open

4.) Will meet new group of friends

5.) The sunshine 

6.) That place you’ve wanted to visit and you’ve put that on your bucket list

7.) The money you’ve saved for your dream house or apartment

8.) Just waking up to a new day 

9.) The sunshine

10.) Fresh air you breathe and just walking outside

11.) The family (doesn’t have to be biological) who love you and will miss you like crazy.

12.) The love of your life

13.) Job opportunity

14.) That dress you’ve been wanting to buy for so long but it’s now the time to show how amazing you look in it

15.) The book you’ve been wanting to read for so long

16.) The language you’ve been wanting to learn 

17.) The guy or girl you’ve been wanting to date

18.) The plants you want to buy

19.) The dog who will miss you and wonder where his owner is

20.) The new restaurant you want to try

21.) The recipe you’ve been wanting to follow

22.) A new dance move 

23.) You miss out on your child’s journey 

24.) The movies you’ve been waiting to come out

25.)  The shoes you’ve been wanting to buy for a long time 

26.) If you wanted to make that drastic move to shave your head do it!

27.) The new COD game 

28.)  Learning to drive

29.) Your first car

30.) Learning karate or trying new sports

I can understand for a few days or weeks there’ll be one of the lowest points you’ll be in, and once coming out of this you’ll feel better again. If you feel like you need help the organisations below are great help, or writing out how you feel can be great therapy, if it’s not helpful for you try to speak to someone you trust. Separating yourself is not going to help you however much you think it will. 

For more information check: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://youngminds.org.uk/

Me, myself and God

 I really want to say I've taken a big break from blogging, but this whole year I'm sure many can understand this year has been tough. My mental health has been hit the hardest, and I haven't had the motivation to write at all.

I don't write or speak much about my faith, that's why I wanted to write about it. The older I get the less I start to believe. I do have faith, but as I get older I start to question my belief. 

Since I was born my mum and grandma have been avid churchgoers, I remember in the evenings my mum or grandma would place scarves on their heads- meaning "I'm praying, don't disturb me." Another time was during evening mass I did not like, I would end up falling asleep and my mum would nudge me to wake up. Whenever mass (service) ended, we would have to go to each statue of Mother Mary and Jesus to pray each time, it became a routine for me, but I did enjoy Sunday school that was after 10 o'clock mass, I loved it because of the snacks they offered. 

Religion has been in my life since birth, I couldn't think of a time where I wasn't surrounded in a religious setting. I remember when I was 10 years old and my aunt had taken all of us to a different church, it wasn't a catholic church but pentecostal-  however, church is church, to me everyone has the same faith. This type of church was very different and everyone was very welcoming at the start, at that time I felt like I did fit in, and it ended up with me comparing the catholic church and pentecostal church. I did find myself in this pentecostal church, it helped me because there were loads more people my age going there. To this day I'm still friends with some of them, however, I stopped going to that church, and church overall.

My time at the pentecostal church was on and off, I used to hang out with all the kids my age but then I started to become more focused on who's been there the longest and how many people you know. I became so fixated, that I wasn't going to church because of God I was going there because of the people I knew who were going to this specific service time, it was all about popularity. I remember bringing my friends to church and introducing them to everyone, I became too proud of which church I went to and who went to it. I remember the leaders in my group "suggesting" kids to raise money to go to a church concert. I didn't want to go to church for the wrong reasons, at that point I decided to go to church less and pray indoors.

Being an adult and having faith in God is difficult, I feel that I am constantly questioning my faith.