Cloudy with a side of sadness and hope- Depression and the upward turn

Depression really affects you, it feels like time is going by really slow. You want everything to go by quick so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I know at this stage you feel hopeless and you don’t see much change. Change can be at a slower pace but sometimes you may not see it but the people around you does. I remember feeling this way and at this stage, I didn’t feel like eating, I just felt upset with myself and wanted to cry or listen to sad music or watch a sad film. I wanted to continue to feel this wave of sadness. It's the cycle you want to avoid but it's the feeling that will emerge one way or the other.

The best thing to do is try one step at a time, as much as you want to move on from this feeling, it doesn't work that way. 

It’s so much easier to have a support system that reminds you constantly who you are, however at the end of the day you will be the one alone with your thoughts. The mind is a battlefield, but you can do it. I remember previously constantly blaming myself or replaying a scene and obsessing over it. It became so unhealthy that I had to step outside of my situation and see the bigger picture I was not happy. I was trying so hard to show someone how much I love them, that I was sacrificing my own happiness. *Sidenote - doesn’t matter how much you show a person you love them however they will continue to disrespect you. They will only show you this change temporarily. 

I remember crying every time telling myself something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I found myself finding comfort through eating and lost my own confidence. I was feeding on the negativity I was told and the countless feelings of insecurity that one day I was getting ready and I looked at the mirror. I could see how much physically and emotionally I was drained. What made me want to leave the situation was because I wasn’t happy, all my life I had subconsciously been led to believe the sacrifices you have done are enough, there will be a deferred gratification, that not everything is perfect - which was a problematic way of thinking. Always put your happiness first never prioritize another person because they will never live up to your expectation or they will continue to hurt you.