Denial / Pain

The steps to healing is one of the longest process to do because you have to constantly remind yourself who you always were and is now.

I’ve always said this for a long time and that is healing is to find yourself again.

Well besides that, the main reason is to process how you’re feeling and accept the situation you couldn’t change.

I hated going through these stages, every time I would play music or go on the phone and call my friends. I hated being alone with my thoughts. It was always me allowing my mind to rewind the same scenes that made me upset.

I remember when I was going through the end of a friendship with someone who I had known for over 10 years. We had both changed these few years and part of me didn’t feel like seeing her and even our opinions didn’t quite match- which was the main reason that I realised I didn’t want her in my life anymore.

The hardest thing to do was to end a friendship. 

Breakups with an ex may be painful but friendship breakups are the worst. 

I was in denial that I could have this person in my life but the cracks were showing we just weren’t going through the same path in life. I remember being really upset over how long I've known her for. However, it didn’t matter how long you knew someone but rather it mattered how well they treated you and how much these people had a positive impact in your life. It’s not a Disney channel show where they are there in your life every day, my friends and I may not talk every day but we’re all still there for each other. 

Denial is the first stage in trying to heal, it’s so hard. You keep telling yourself this person wouldn’t do that to you, that’s not them. You would look at other third parties and blame them. I remember blaming my exes friends for the way he behaved and how they chose not to stop him from behaving like this (as words by him). Which of course wasn’t the truth, he is his own person and he chose to do it. I was in so much denial that this is who he actually is. So many red flags that I chose to be colour blind.

My family and friends had to remind me that this was unhealthy and I deserved so much better. I finally passed the denial stage because you need to look at the bigger picture, I was looking at the current person and seeing how well they will be in 5 years' time, I was ignoring my unhappiness and thinking that he and I would get past these “hardships”. It was an unhealthy way to look at it. As hard as it was to accept the relationship was over.

I put denial and pain together because even though it’s denial it’s painful to look at the bigger picture and accept that some things don’t last. Denial was my defense mechanism and I wasn’t allowing myself to process this pain.