Me, myself and God

 I really want to say I've taken a big break from blogging, but this whole year I'm sure many can understand this year has been tough. My mental health has been hit the hardest, and I haven't had the motivation to write at all.

I don't write or speak much about my faith, that's why I wanted to write about it. The older I get the less I start to believe. I do have faith, but as I get older I start to question my belief. 

Since I was born my mum and grandma have been avid churchgoers, I remember in the evenings my mum or grandma would place scarves on their heads- meaning "I'm praying, don't disturb me." Another time was during evening mass I did not like, I would end up falling asleep and my mum would nudge me to wake up. Whenever mass (service) ended, we would have to go to each statue of Mother Mary and Jesus to pray each time, it became a routine for me, but I did enjoy Sunday school that was after 10 o'clock mass, I loved it because of the snacks they offered. 

Religion has been in my life since birth, I couldn't think of a time where I wasn't surrounded in a religious setting. I remember when I was 10 years old and my aunt had taken all of us to a different church, it wasn't a catholic church but pentecostal-  however, church is church, to me everyone has the same faith. This type of church was very different and everyone was very welcoming at the start, at that time I felt like I did fit in, and it ended up with me comparing the catholic church and pentecostal church. I did find myself in this pentecostal church, it helped me because there were loads more people my age going there. To this day I'm still friends with some of them, however, I stopped going to that church, and church overall.

My time at the pentecostal church was on and off, I used to hang out with all the kids my age but then I started to become more focused on who's been there the longest and how many people you know. I became so fixated, that I wasn't going to church because of God I was going there because of the people I knew who were going to this specific service time, it was all about popularity. I remember bringing my friends to church and introducing them to everyone, I became too proud of which church I went to and who went to it. I remember the leaders in my group "suggesting" kids to raise money to go to a church concert. I didn't want to go to church for the wrong reasons, at that point I decided to go to church less and pray indoors.

Being an adult and having faith in God is difficult, I feel that I am constantly questioning my faith.