Hi my name is Ninotchka

This year I was diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. 

It's been a journey, and a tough one. It was a light bulb moment for me, it was like a missing puzzle piece for me. It made me understand myself more. But I was also left grieving for the support I wish could have received back then. However, it's not a surprise that women are tested late for ADHD.

Studies have been prioritised to focus primarily on ADHD in men, and women have created coping mechanisms to hide these symptoms, which is known as 'masking'. To add there is also the societal pressure of expectations on how a woman should act.

Before researching about this neurological disorder, I too thought it was just being hyperactive, or being immediately distracted. But this is further from the truth. It affects every part of your life, whether you are, or are not aware of it. 

ADHD is more commonly known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The irony is that this definition is outdated. It's nothing to do with having less concentration or hyperactivity, but more known as a neurological disorder. This is also known as executive dysfunction, if you Google the word, it is defined as a "behavioural symptom that disrupts a persons ability to regulate, control or manage their thoughts, emotions and processes."

I have been living life on the edge for 28 years without knowing I had ADHD, and this was due to masking since I was a kid. 

In my culture openly discussing ADHD is a taboo. Majority of the time you rarely hear about any Nepali who has ADHD, Autism, BPD, or even Bipolar disorder. The reason for this is people find it hard to accept their diagnosis, or they aren't educated on this.

I want to clarify ADHD is inherited, and not caused by taking pain relief, or external factors. ADHD doesn't suddenly appear during adulthood. It became evident to me as I got older that I was struggling, I often found it difficult to process information, and sometimes I had to ask for sentences to be repeated. Moreover, I could also relate my experiences to others who have ADHD. 

This blog post was something I was planning to publish, and although I was hesitant at first, I realise that talking about it might encourage the BAME community and the Nepali community to speak more openly about neurodivergence, and normalise these conversations. I want to highlight that everyone has their own experiences, but it is particularly evident that those in the BAME community face extra struggles due to the lack of support systems and services. This also includes the lack of representation online reflecting the community's limited voice. 

I hope we help those who are ashamed to talk about their diagnosis, or even those who might think they have ADHD. 

I don't know them anymore.

It’s been a few months since I shared my previous post on what had happened to me.

I know I am strong, I wake up everyday moving forward from this ordeal. But I do get triggered in random intervals, as a friend reminded me healing comes in waves. Every survivor is strong, but one thing that enrages me is that the perpetrator moves freely, I can say how much of a disgusting human being Sangit Khadka is. I know he’s probably told all his friends by now how much of a liar I am, and how much I wanted it really. 

I could give you all the statistics on rape, and how many women report it, or how many get their rapists jailed. I won’t be providing you with statistics, because it is all over the news. It is everywhere on the internet, all of you have access to every single information that is available to you online. 

I’m not here to convince you rape and sexual assault is wrong. Because it is wrong. It is inhumane. Even till this day it still happens to women and girls.

Thank you to those who showed me their support. Since posting about my rape I want to acknowledge the women who privately messaged me, and opened up  to me about their own experiences of being raped and sexually assaulted. I value how safe you felt to open up to me, know that you are brave. And unfortunately not everyone will understand how we feel everyday, but I am glad you are here, and fighting everyday. Please don't stop.

The whole intention from my previous post was to directly call out my rapist, and my cousin Neharika Chaudary who chose not to protect me, and has since been defending her actions.

But imagine having to convince people to show their support to you publicly. To tell people please voice your support. It is a shame people have to be told how to act.

It is a shame that we as girls, and women have to be blamed for what happened to us. 

It is also a shame there are women out there who affirm and favour the rapist by excusing his actions, and shaming the survivor. I call out on the behaviours of these women - they should be ashamed for supporting these men. 

But God forbid the female population are shamed for having sex outside of marriage, if any of us chose not to have sex this wouldn't have happened. If we had dressed, or acted more conservatively this wouldn't have happened. If we just kept quiet, and were good girls that stayed at home, none of this would have happened right?

Wrong. Any acts committed by a male, is a choice made by them. It was premediated. 

Regardless of how a female dresses, or behaves this will not encourage a man to rape or sexually assault them. Instead the man has already made the choice to commit this crime.

To all my relatives who think being silent, being “neutral” means you are mature. You are part of the problem. I am not surprised by their decisions, this is also a reality that ignorance is bliss to them. I don’t need to call out their names, but you know who you are. More so I have already chosen not to know them anymore.

Silence shows how much you side with the perpetrator. 

During this time of reflection I have realised how we as women, and girls are made to feel. That we are blamed, and convinced we are the ones who are at fault. Someone who has a South Asian background, we are told to bury these traumas, and carry on as if it's nothing. We must not allow society, or relatives to shame us for what has been done to us. This is not about picking sides, this is about your morals. This is not about you declaring both of them are your nieces, and you don't want to choose a side. This is not about you.

I hope that one day, instead of asking what she was wearing, or how she was behaving. We shame the man. No need to ask him questions on why he did. He had already decided as soon as he saw the woman or girl enter the room.

Those who are going through their own trauma, and want support know that you are not alone. When I realised I was raped I wanted to kill myself, all these thoughts were already attacking me. I thought if I had ended my life the pain would go away. But after a few months at home in London, I then realised I want to be alive, no matter how hard it was going to be, I had to keep pushing through, I wasn't going to let this motherfucker ruin my life. 

Please see below the services that can provide you with the support you need:

The London Survivors Gateway: www.survivorsgateway.london 

London Rape Crisis: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Samaritans: www.samaritans.org

Galop: (Specialist LGBTQI+ Support) www.galop.org.uk

Victim Support: www.victimsupport.org.uk (South London)

Survivors UK: www.survivorsuk.org (Men and boys who have been raped and sexually abused)

Your silence will not protect you.

After a brief recuperation from my previous post- I’m not going to stop discussing this. I will continue to write about my experience with sexual assault/rape. I don't want to be somewhere in my 60’s regretting that I didn't call out the people that were involved, and maybe it is time that I say something.

 
My courage outweighs my fear. 

On November 16th 2022, I was raped by Sangit Khadka (@khadka_kumar_sangit), my cousin Neharika Chaudary's (@_rikaney and @neyha.c) male friend. I was raped in her bedroom (in her family home). And my dear cousin did nothing to help me.

It was said to me by her former lover Bhusan (who's mostly thinking he's scott free whilst he's currently studying in Australia, his Instagram is @pipebombbb). He stated to me on the phone that to Neharika's defence she wanted to intervene, but he told her to stop and to not get involved. Their silence and passivity made them as guilty of the crime than the main perpetrator. It did feel 3 against 1 person, showing their complicity.

Surely you must be thinking that Neharika has some sort of guilt- that is incorrect. Whilst having a discussion with her, she most adamantly defended his innocence, but reminded me “it’s not about me.”
The betrayal of family cuts you deep, it's forever embedded in my heart, that is why I REFUSE to visit Nepal. I refuse to face the music, and I don’t want to see family and I don’t trust any of them. Betrayal by someone in your own family is a truth that is hard to swallow. This whole ordeal has demonstrated to me the best support isn’t always from your own kin.
You know when you realise that the people you are friends with represent who you are as a person? Well, this was proved correctly by meeting Neharika's friends. I remember a past conversation I had with her female friend, who unwaveringly decided it was easy for a survivor to tell someone they were raped; and had no sympathy.
There is a sense of regret that I came to Nepal to celebrate Neharika’s birthday, but instead I lost my old life.  
I did find it freeing when I wrote about my trauma. However I know healing is linear.
Do I hate my cousin? I absolutely do. I miss the old me, the one that doesn’t have intense panic attacks, or the one who doesn’t cry when she tried to have consensual sex. But, I know that with support of my close friends and my own resilience, I will not only survive, but thrive! 

 
Sex education is lacking, and this type of ignorance is prevalent in Nepali society. In my culture when you try to tell your own child(ren) about sex, the parent tells their daughter to close her legs and to wait for her future husband, but boys will be boys.
As much as it feels Nepali society is finally standing up for justice, but change is too slow for victims on a judicial and societal level, and a vast majority Nepali society uphold misogynistic ideology that blames the victims. Victim blaming is not a Nepali issue, but rather a world problem. Nepal is simply the country in question for this post.

Everywhere around the world if we dress a certain type of way, if we drink, or get intoxicated- when a woman shares her experience it’s our fault.
It took me 2 years to finally open up about my rape, of course I know the repercussions of this decision, I know some of my family members will judge me or label me as a bad influence. I will forever be some type of black sheep to them, and while that’s not ok - I've accepted that. I want to openly stand up for myself, I want to warn any women knowing a man like Khadka- for them to be careful, to watch out!
I could provide you with so many examples where women are failed by the law, community and family. But we would be here for a long time, and this would be revisiting traumas for all women. As much as I want to provide more examples this does nothing, we need action, we need change. The first step is realising that our silence doesn't protect us, but shields our abusers.

The silencing of her.

Sex. I said it. There. The word that everyone tells other people to be quiet about. The sexual revolution is a movement of being able to freely express the behavior related to sexuality and interpersonal relationships. This social movement thoroughly influenced western developed countries from the 1960s to the 1970s. It was the ever-growing mindset of people during that time that helped shape and change people's perspective on sex. From sex being outside of marriage, to pornography, homosexuality, and the pill and contraceptives. A whole movement that encouraged all to enjoy sex. 

The irony is that consent should have always been taught. So why is it now that most people’s mindsets are still backwards?

If the society we live in now is so pro-sex, why hasn’t their mindset towards victims of rape/sexual assault changed?

Why did it take a man to assume that when he was having sex with me, it was no longer my own body? That I no longer have control of my own bodily autonomy. 

Why was it okay for these witnesses to stare and not say anything? I can bet some of you reading this post are already thinking, 'What made him do that? Are you sure that happened to you?'

I can tell you it did. It took me a few days to even get in my mind that this happened to me. The aftershock is still there. Do I trust men? The answer to that is yes/no. It has taken me a year to even try to at least trust any man, such as a friend or relative. Reading so many horrible news articles of how women are treated is triggering. How can we continue to tell the rest of society to stand up and do something?

Haven’t men realized this by now? The answer is yes. The rise of these men’s podcasts has led to giving men the platform to freely express how much they disrespect women. People such as Andrew Tate are sociopaths who are smart enough to know that what they say is detrimental to young boys.

Each year I have lost faith in humanity. Maybe it is because of my trauma, or maybe I’m absolutely tired of having to constantly relive the memory of that night. Of having to be scared when an opposite sex even accidentally rubs his arms or bumps into me.

I remember returning back home and wanting to wash every part of that night away. But I couldn’t. It was like a part of me had died inside. I didn’t trust anyone. I mean, even now, I find it difficult to open up with new people.

I remember missing work for a few days when I returned back to London. I just wanted to hide from the world. Regardless if a young single woman wants to actually have fun, why is it my fault a man couldn’t control himself?

Would it make you feel better if I never wanted fun and was waiting for marriage? If I never had any experience, you would then not somewhat blame me?

I do want to give a shout out to Michaela Coel for creating a show called ‘I May Destroy You,’ because without this show, I wouldn’t have realised what happened to me was wrong.

Healing from rape is a process. There is no due date to get over it. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal parts of it. But I do want to tell those who have gone through this: you are not alone. Don’t listen to ignorant people. In fact, be around people who support you, be it friends or even family, whoever you trust.

Maybe I’m crazy to have written this in the first place, but I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t want this horrible situation to represent me as a whole. We are told and shown in the media that rape is being forced against your will, but it can be through other ways. I don’t want to disclose further descriptions of my rape, but I do want to add that you don’t forget about it, but you work on living your life through this trauma.

Brown Girl vs her skin

What is beauty?

It is described in the Cambridge dictionary as the quality of being pleasing and attractive.

Beauty is from the eyes of the beholder, I remember when I was 4 years old and beauty in my eyes then was white, tall and slender. In the media they had about 95% of attractive white male and female models selling perfumes, shampoos and lingerie.

This was how much the media was telling me directly what beauty was. There was only 5% of ethnic minorities I saw on billboards and adverts.

Back then it was difficult the only thing that came close or you expected to see representation was tall models with brunette hair. 

I know that even though we have Bollywood full of brown actors, these big time celebrities are still selling whitening creams. It’s the fact that we are told by our brown counterparts that lighter skin is beautiful.

Need I say more that even in our Asian culture we’re made fun of if our skin is darker, I was called “kali” because I was darker than my mother. This name calling and “jokes” gave me a negative imagery of myself.

This affected my ability to see my own beauty, growing up  and being in a predominantly white group of friends was difficult, I always compared myself and saw my white friends as being prettier. Why did the media perceive ethnic girls as being less pretty than their white counterparts?

Even now in dating shows for example most of the seasons in the UK Love Island series always chose contestants who preferences were white women. It was always black or brown girls that were the last pick, or the male contestants type were “brown hair girls”.

When I went on dates, some of the guys would out of the blue “reassure me” and tell me they’re not into white girls- which was firstly very weird to even tell me that and other females are not my competition. The other time was that they said they never dated a brown girl before- I hate this, we’re not Pokémon to collect and nor are we an experiment.

Sometimes I still feel like this- that me a brown girl is second option, loving your identity your race is an ongoing journey. We still need to remember that our brown smooth skin is beautiful. 

 

What can be done?

This is the final part to my previous post about men’s mental health. I’ve asked a small number of men on their experience and although it maybe be a shock to some learning about this, it isn’t to the rest of us. Mental health isn’t a new thing for men, due to the socialisation and the pressure from certain influences, it can be hard to identify and to know this is happening to them. I hope these posts help at least someone to understand or even to know they aren’t suffering by themselves and there is help out there.

What are some of the things you do to help yourself?

Person A:  I kind of covered it but to help myself I have meds and my therapist. I also use the calm app to do daily medication and to help me sleep. Eating and sleeping properly plus doing regular exercise and being sociable helps me stay in a good headspace too.

Person B: What helped me was a number of things working together. We must obviously promote healthier lifestyles, going out for walks and eating well because I really enjoy my alone time in the gym where it’s just me and my workout. But most of all what I found myself to be a huge outlet was writing or finding a creative outlet. Writing worked for me because I was able to express myself and my emotions on paper or in my notes and no one ever had to see it. But once I wrote it down it really did feel as though those feelings passes through my fingertips and out my body or at least the strong feelings did- it made feel a lot better. That as well as watching shows/doing things I liked when I wanted to and not worrying about other for some time. It’s important to be selfish sometimes.

Person C: In the previous question I touched based on some of the things I do to improve my mental health. A common one is gym- but gym is a double edge sword, if I train for the wrong reasons it will deteriorate my mental health. In that case I made it clear why I was training, to feel better for myself and to reach specific goals for it e.g. fitting into my Spiderman outfit. I also embraced more of my inner child and did things I knew I always enjoyed while balancing good work ethic. Thankfully I was always able to speak with my family about my issues and this always helped me feel more at ease and lastly I think some guys should masturbate (or if they have a girlfriend or have more healthy sex) more to release the stress and feel more comfortable with their own body as it makes us feel wanted.

Person D: As I’ve gone through life I can start to tell when I’m starting to slip back into things so it’s less about  helping myself and more preemptive damage control. Like when I feel a depressive episode coming I’ll try and reach out to friends and get outside more and that kinda thing before it gets too deep and I just shut myself away. Interesting that you ask this now though because the last few weeks I have been looking into therapy and possibly taking antidepressants. Also a stat that I read somewhere is that suicide is the number one cause of death for men under 30.

Let’s sit down and talk….

When it comes to mental health everyone experiences it differently and most times it can be hard open up and talk about what you’re going through.

So here is the second part to yesterdays post, before moving forward to read the experiences, some of the issues mentioned may be triggering.

Tell me about your experiences with mental health?

Person A: 

In terms of my experiences, I’ve had panic attacks since I was 8 on and off to the point where at worst I can’t leave the house for fairly long periods when it gets bad. I still suffer on and off now but it’s mostly manageable and I have a good therapist and take sertraline on a low dose to help with it. I used to be super anti medication and to some extent still am so I didn’t start taking it till 18, but at that time in my life I needed it for things to be manageable.

Person B:

As for my experiences with mental health, I’ve always felt like I was never good enough. I’m always the problem. People don’t care about me or what I have to say and so I began to view myself as inferior and “other”. 

This got to the point where I was genuinely sitting in my balcony and even climbed up on the ledge thinking of jumping off. ODing on pills or just hanging myself so that it would be clean with no blood or mess for whoever found me. My brain let me down. But that was brought about by childhood trauma and having a father myself who said similar things about weakness and vulnerability to me.

So I never had a real outlet for expressing myself and my emotions with how I felt. I just thought it was normal to suffer because it was “a phase that would soon pass” as well as not wanting to be a burden to someone else and the whole invalidating myself because there’s suffering elsewhere in the world- the whole “children are starving” and dying in other places.

Person C:

Mental health for me has definitely being a journey for me, to shutting myself from the world and not knowing what it meant to "act like a man" since my father figure only showed me what a men "should never do". Also growing up around women and learning to respect them made me feel I wish I wasn't a man to fit in and not feel like we are trash, but eventually over the time and become more mature I started experimenting with meditation and started doing the things that made me happy despite how childish it seems or how sensitive it made me look and it has helped me understand that I should act "like a man " but rather act like a good human being and take of my mental health the same way, or if not more than I take care of my body

Person D:

My journey with my own mental health is hard one to answer, I go through phases where I don’t like myself very much at all but other times I think I’m God’s gift to the world. Like mental health covers a lot of different aspects of life but to me it’s almost just a synonym for depression. When I was younger I thought about taking my life a few times, but as I get older the lows seem more frequent but less deep.

This whole lockdown things have been heavy though, the feelings of loneliness was very hard to deal with, especially at the start. I’ve tried the whole drugs to take your mind off it, but personally that usually makes things worse and feel even lower overall.