Thunder and lightening - Anger and Bargining

 

I have a lot to say about anger, we all get angry but we forget to rationalise in the moment. We feel betrayed and want to hurt the other person. I’ve experienced these before and honestly anger can go two ways, one is pettiness (temporary feeling) and the other is being able to contain the emotion.

My relationship with anger has been a track record. Why do I say that you ask? Well because I’ve been hurt and felt like a fool before, when there’s always been a red flag or a sign.

When it came to friendship there were signs that pointed out this person had pretty much overstayed their welcome in this friendship. I refused to listen I was so stubborn that I forced the friendship. Being angry is completely normal, but blaming yourself for someone’s actions is not it.

Even in my relationships, one of my exes for example I loved him so much, but love should not be the only reason to stay. When the relationship ended I blamed his friends, a small part of me still does. I know it’s not their fault however my ex had a habit of blaming other people, even when he decided on the choices he made himself and then take it out on me. It led to me despising his friends. One of the main reasons was being kind to them and then finding out they all knew the truth and couldn’t look me in the eyes, or before that one of them being unfriendly. That’s when everything I felt then it all exploded. A part of me wanted to scream at everyone but then again why blame a third party when the person you loved chose to hurt you.That’s when you start to shake it off and pick yourself up, the road to recovery and healing wasn’t easy, sometimes it still isn’t. 

Bargaining in a friendship or a relationship - even if it’s something you may or may not have done you beg the person telling them you’ll promise you’ll change. It’s a temporary promise or it can either be genuine. When you lose a friend you expect to go back to the way it used to be but that won’t last, you’re ignoring the underlying truth. Some friendships are there for you to learn from and to grow.

Also when you’re at this stage of bargaining, the person will love bomb you. Love bombing is when the person manipulates and influences your decision, they will tell you how much they love you. You’re the love of their life. It goes on until you change your mind. A manipulation tactic, that instantly makes you forget the individuals actions.

So remember this please do not get confused with compromise and bargaining 2 very different things. Compromise is healthy and finding a balance, bargaining is begging to do all the things a person had promised to do for a long time ago. Bargaining is temporary and doesn’t last long.

Being angry is healthy but staying in that feeling isn’t. It’s accepting the situation knowing that you couldn’t change it but forgiving the people. Forgiveness is difficult but it sets your mind free from feeling all this hate and negative processing.

Guilt and anger

 

The painstaking feeling that you thought you did your best, however you question everything. Then you start to ask yourself where it went wrong. I’ve been on this road before I kept looking at what’s wrong with me and was I not good enough?  I remember trying so hard at something and it got me so angry. Giving your time to something or someone is a lot of energy, but not receiving the same energy is painful. Grief is a process, sometimes it will take longer than you’re expecting it too but other times you have moved on emotionally. After asking yourself all these questions, anger is the next step. You want to punch a wall, drink away or you want to scream. You want to hurt the person back the same way they hurt you, but it doesn’t work, you only feel this temporary high of being petty or shady. After that you feel empty, that high you feel vanishes and it was all for nothing. You just get angry all over again it’s a cycle. 

Denial / Pain

The steps to healing is one of the longest process to do because you have to constantly remind yourself who you always were and is now.

I’ve always said this for a long time and that is healing is to find yourself again.

Well besides that, the main reason is to process how you’re feeling and accept the situation you couldn’t change.

I hated going through these stages, every time I would play music or go on the phone and call my friends. I hated being alone with my thoughts. It was always me allowing my mind to rewind the same scenes that made me upset.

I remember when I was going through the end of a friendship with someone who I had known for over 10 years. We had both changed these few years and part of me didn’t feel like seeing her and even our opinions didn’t quite match- which was the main reason that I realised I didn’t want her in my life anymore.

The hardest thing to do was to end a friendship. 

Breakups with an ex may be painful but friendship breakups are the worst. 

I was in denial that I could have this person in my life but the cracks were showing we just weren’t going through the same path in life. I remember being really upset over how long I've known her for. However, it didn’t matter how long you knew someone but rather it mattered how well they treated you and how much these people had a positive impact in your life. It’s not a Disney channel show where they are there in your life every day, my friends and I may not talk every day but we’re all still there for each other. 

Denial is the first stage in trying to heal, it’s so hard. You keep telling yourself this person wouldn’t do that to you, that’s not them. You would look at other third parties and blame them. I remember blaming my exes friends for the way he behaved and how they chose not to stop him from behaving like this (as words by him). Which of course wasn’t the truth, he is his own person and he chose to do it. I was in so much denial that this is who he actually is. So many red flags that I chose to be colour blind.

My family and friends had to remind me that this was unhealthy and I deserved so much better. I finally passed the denial stage because you need to look at the bigger picture, I was looking at the current person and seeing how well they will be in 5 years' time, I was ignoring my unhappiness and thinking that he and I would get past these “hardships”. It was an unhealthy way to look at it. As hard as it was to accept the relationship was over.

I put denial and pain together because even though it’s denial it’s painful to look at the bigger picture and accept that some things don’t last. Denial was my defense mechanism and I wasn’t allowing myself to process this pain. 

Taken for granted

If I put a pound in how many times people took us for granted I would be rich by now.

The definition is that it fails to properly appreciate (someone or something) especially as a result of overfamiliarity.

Why am I writing about taken for granted?

Someone who has been treated like this or been on the opposite end fails to realise how short life really is. 

We’re so used to having our friends or families around us for so long that we forget that anything can happen to them.

In my experience, I’ve met people who were in my life for a short time or those who are going to be there permanently. If I had to put the most obvious point there is, is that these people won’t be there in your life forever but you keep treating them like they will be. 

It’s also a choice to decide who you want in your life. When I was a kid I badly wanted to be a part of this group and I kept forcing myself even though they clearly did not like me. But somehow I chose them to be my supposed “friends”.

Years later I’m here thinking why did I do that, but I was a child and wanted someone to appreciate me and accept me into a group.

Another example was relationships with my ex-boyfriends. I put some of them as a priority and rarely focused on my family or friends or even myself. I remember coming out of these relationships and my loved ones telling me that my whole personality had changed. All my own opinions had been lost and I had used my exes' opinions as my own. 

It’s not just about relationships but also work life. We can all relate, it’s the one where we work so hard and yet we don’t receive the thanks we get. I remember this affecting my mental health and every day I was questioning my existence.

Everything is a balance and everything we have we shouldn’t take for granted. All the main people in my life I know won’t always be there. 

This is what I know and that is appreciation comes a long way, it truly is the bare minimum we fail to give to the people in our life.

Stuck

Before you start reading this, just a warning there will be sensitive stuff in regards to mental health. 

It’s been far too long since I last wrote a post. Feeling like I’m in a rut. During the pandemic my mental health has been a rollercoaster, it’s been up and down. Most times I’m feeling so good about myself and then later on I remember how there’s nothing else to do, you’re trapped in a box and you have to constantly stay in there. It’s definitely a fight with your inner thoughts.

I know since last year there has been rise of mental health issues, there can be many reasons why people are feeling this way.

Here are the many reasons for you to continue on living:

1.)  Who knows what the next day will be like? The future is always full of surprises (it won’t be bad news this time)

2.)  The call you’ve been waiting for

3.) A new door that will open

4.) Will meet new group of friends

5.) The sunshine 

6.) That place you’ve wanted to visit and you’ve put that on your bucket list

7.) The money you’ve saved for your dream house or apartment

8.) Just waking up to a new day 

9.) The sunshine

10.) Fresh air you breathe and just walking outside

11.) The family (doesn’t have to be biological) who love you and will miss you like crazy.

12.) The love of your life

13.) Job opportunity

14.) That dress you’ve been wanting to buy for so long but it’s now the time to show how amazing you look in it

15.) The book you’ve been wanting to read for so long

16.) The language you’ve been wanting to learn 

17.) The guy or girl you’ve been wanting to date

18.) The plants you want to buy

19.) The dog who will miss you and wonder where his owner is

20.) The new restaurant you want to try

21.) The recipe you’ve been wanting to follow

22.) A new dance move 

23.) You miss out on your child’s journey 

24.) The movies you’ve been waiting to come out

25.)  The shoes you’ve been wanting to buy for a long time 

26.) If you wanted to make that drastic move to shave your head do it!

27.) The new COD game 

28.)  Learning to drive

29.) Your first car

30.) Learning karate or trying new sports

I can understand for a few days or weeks there’ll be one of the lowest points you’ll be in, and once coming out of this you’ll feel better again. If you feel like you need help the organisations below are great help, or writing out how you feel can be great therapy, if it’s not helpful for you try to speak to someone you trust. Separating yourself is not going to help you however much you think it will. 

For more information check: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://youngminds.org.uk/

Me, myself and God

 I really want to say I've taken a big break from blogging, but this whole year I'm sure many can understand this year has been tough. My mental health has been hit the hardest, and I haven't had the motivation to write at all.

I don't write or speak much about my faith, that's why I wanted to write about it. The older I get the less I start to believe. I do have faith, but as I get older I start to question my belief. 

Since I was born my mum and grandma have been avid churchgoers, I remember in the evenings my mum or grandma would place scarves on their heads- meaning "I'm praying, don't disturb me." Another time was during evening mass I did not like, I would end up falling asleep and my mum would nudge me to wake up. Whenever mass (service) ended, we would have to go to each statue of Mother Mary and Jesus to pray each time, it became a routine for me, but I did enjoy Sunday school that was after 10 o'clock mass, I loved it because of the snacks they offered. 

Religion has been in my life since birth, I couldn't think of a time where I wasn't surrounded in a religious setting. I remember when I was 10 years old and my aunt had taken all of us to a different church, it wasn't a catholic church but pentecostal-  however, church is church, to me everyone has the same faith. This type of church was very different and everyone was very welcoming at the start, at that time I felt like I did fit in, and it ended up with me comparing the catholic church and pentecostal church. I did find myself in this pentecostal church, it helped me because there were loads more people my age going there. To this day I'm still friends with some of them, however, I stopped going to that church, and church overall.

My time at the pentecostal church was on and off, I used to hang out with all the kids my age but then I started to become more focused on who's been there the longest and how many people you know. I became so fixated, that I wasn't going to church because of God I was going there because of the people I knew who were going to this specific service time, it was all about popularity. I remember bringing my friends to church and introducing them to everyone, I became too proud of which church I went to and who went to it. I remember the leaders in my group "suggesting" kids to raise money to go to a church concert. I didn't want to go to church for the wrong reasons, at that point I decided to go to church less and pray indoors.

Being an adult and having faith in God is difficult, I feel that I am constantly questioning my faith. 

Food for thought

You’ll come to different peaks in your life and suddenly you realise you are on your own journey.

Being on my own path has been hard. I cannot guarantee that everyday is great but I can say this, some days you’ll miss everything from your past you’ll feel scared and lonely. This is my mind and heart feeling too comfortable in a place where I know I need to move on from. Fear is an obstacle it perpetuates resistance and presents to me never ending long number of excuses to stop me leaving. If I’m stuck in a routine it means I’m too comfortable and not fulfilling what God has planned for me. 

The downside of rushing myself to heal too quickly can feel as if some days I want to bury myself  under my pillows and duvet and allow this negative emotion to ruin my whole day. 10 mins later I realise I’m being too hard on myself, I’m pressuring myself to get to where my friends are. It is exhausting to catch up with where my friends are in their life, I do struggle to remind myself to slow down I’m going through my own storm and so are they.  I may not be going in the same life path as them. 

Loving yourself is one of the difficult things to do, I had allowed myself to be at a place where my mental health was deteriorating. Whoever is reading this I understand some of you may be feeling but remember to put yourself first, we sacrifice our souls for temporary things. No matter how much comfort or happiness you believe you have, you are the one that owns this soul and mind. 

Let us think of ourselves as plants that need to be watered constantly, so what happens if we don’t water it for weeks? If you and I are thinking the same thing, yes the plant is dead. Remember to put yourself first, the constant negative energy that you have absorbed will ruin you, that was me at some points in my life. I fed myself from different energies where I realised I was lost. I’m not perfect I admit that, but I knew I stopped loving myself. Instead of spending time with myself, I looked for happiness everywhere I could get, most times it was all temporary and I did get lost in the moment.

Now I know I’m still healing and learning but I am happier than I’ve ever been. I can say this, time is one of the biggest factors, things didn’t happen instantly for me but I can already see there is a difference in me.