Thunder and lightening - Anger and Bargining

 

I have a lot to say about anger, we all get angry but we forget to rationalise in the moment. We feel betrayed and want to hurt the other person. I’ve experienced these before and honestly anger can go two ways, one is pettiness (temporary feeling) and the other is being able to contain the emotion.

My relationship with anger has been a track record. Why do I say that you ask? Well because I’ve been hurt and felt like a fool before, when there’s always been a red flag or a sign.

When it came to friendship there were signs that pointed out this person had pretty much overstayed their welcome in this friendship. I refused to listen I was so stubborn that I forced the friendship. Being angry is completely normal, but blaming yourself for someone’s actions is not it.

Even in my relationships, one of my exes for example I loved him so much, but love should not be the only reason to stay. When the relationship ended I blamed his friends, a small part of me still does. I know it’s not their fault however my ex had a habit of blaming other people, even when he decided on the choices he made himself and then take it out on me. It led to me despising his friends. One of the main reasons was being kind to them and then finding out they all knew the truth and couldn’t look me in the eyes, or before that one of them being unfriendly. That’s when everything I felt then it all exploded. A part of me wanted to scream at everyone but then again why blame a third party when the person you loved chose to hurt you.That’s when you start to shake it off and pick yourself up, the road to recovery and healing wasn’t easy, sometimes it still isn’t. 

Bargaining in a friendship or a relationship - even if it’s something you may or may not have done you beg the person telling them you’ll promise you’ll change. It’s a temporary promise or it can either be genuine. When you lose a friend you expect to go back to the way it used to be but that won’t last, you’re ignoring the underlying truth. Some friendships are there for you to learn from and to grow.

Also when you’re at this stage of bargaining, the person will love bomb you. Love bombing is when the person manipulates and influences your decision, they will tell you how much they love you. You’re the love of their life. It goes on until you change your mind. A manipulation tactic, that instantly makes you forget the individuals actions.

So remember this please do not get confused with compromise and bargaining 2 very different things. Compromise is healthy and finding a balance, bargaining is begging to do all the things a person had promised to do for a long time ago. Bargaining is temporary and doesn’t last long.

Being angry is healthy but staying in that feeling isn’t. It’s accepting the situation knowing that you couldn’t change it but forgiving the people. Forgiveness is difficult but it sets your mind free from feeling all this hate and negative processing.

Guilt and anger

 

The painstaking feeling that you thought you did your best, however you question everything. Then you start to ask yourself where it went wrong. I’ve been on this road before I kept looking at what’s wrong with me and was I not good enough?  I remember trying so hard at something and it got me so angry. Giving your time to something or someone is a lot of energy, but not receiving the same energy is painful. Grief is a process, sometimes it will take longer than you’re expecting it too but other times you have moved on emotionally. After asking yourself all these questions, anger is the next step. You want to punch a wall, drink away or you want to scream. You want to hurt the person back the same way they hurt you, but it doesn’t work, you only feel this temporary high of being petty or shady. After that you feel empty, that high you feel vanishes and it was all for nothing. You just get angry all over again it’s a cycle. 

Denial / Pain

The steps to healing is one of the longest process to do because you have to constantly remind yourself who you always were and is now.

I’ve always said this for a long time and that is healing is to find yourself again.

Well besides that, the main reason is to process how you’re feeling and accept the situation you couldn’t change.

I hated going through these stages, every time I would play music or go on the phone and call my friends. I hated being alone with my thoughts. It was always me allowing my mind to rewind the same scenes that made me upset.

I remember when I was going through the end of a friendship with someone who I had known for over 10 years. We had both changed these few years and part of me didn’t feel like seeing her and even our opinions didn’t quite match- which was the main reason that I realised I didn’t want her in my life anymore.

The hardest thing to do was to end a friendship. 

Breakups with an ex may be painful but friendship breakups are the worst. 

I was in denial that I could have this person in my life but the cracks were showing we just weren’t going through the same path in life. I remember being really upset over how long I've known her for. However, it didn’t matter how long you knew someone but rather it mattered how well they treated you and how much these people had a positive impact in your life. It’s not a Disney channel show where they are there in your life every day, my friends and I may not talk every day but we’re all still there for each other. 

Denial is the first stage in trying to heal, it’s so hard. You keep telling yourself this person wouldn’t do that to you, that’s not them. You would look at other third parties and blame them. I remember blaming my exes friends for the way he behaved and how they chose not to stop him from behaving like this (as words by him). Which of course wasn’t the truth, he is his own person and he chose to do it. I was in so much denial that this is who he actually is. So many red flags that I chose to be colour blind.

My family and friends had to remind me that this was unhealthy and I deserved so much better. I finally passed the denial stage because you need to look at the bigger picture, I was looking at the current person and seeing how well they will be in 5 years' time, I was ignoring my unhappiness and thinking that he and I would get past these “hardships”. It was an unhealthy way to look at it. As hard as it was to accept the relationship was over.

I put denial and pain together because even though it’s denial it’s painful to look at the bigger picture and accept that some things don’t last. Denial was my defense mechanism and I wasn’t allowing myself to process this pain. 

Taken for granted

If I put a pound in how many times people took us for granted I would be rich by now.

The definition is that it fails to properly appreciate (someone or something) especially as a result of overfamiliarity.

Why am I writing about taken for granted?

Someone who has been treated like this or been on the opposite end fails to realise how short life really is. 

We’re so used to having our friends or families around us for so long that we forget that anything can happen to them.

In my experience, I’ve met people who were in my life for a short time or those who are going to be there permanently. If I had to put the most obvious point there is, is that these people won’t be there in your life forever but you keep treating them like they will be. 

It’s also a choice to decide who you want in your life. When I was a kid I badly wanted to be a part of this group and I kept forcing myself even though they clearly did not like me. But somehow I chose them to be my supposed “friends”.

Years later I’m here thinking why did I do that, but I was a child and wanted someone to appreciate me and accept me into a group.

Another example was relationships with my ex-boyfriends. I put some of them as a priority and rarely focused on my family or friends or even myself. I remember coming out of these relationships and my loved ones telling me that my whole personality had changed. All my own opinions had been lost and I had used my exes' opinions as my own. 

It’s not just about relationships but also work life. We can all relate, it’s the one where we work so hard and yet we don’t receive the thanks we get. I remember this affecting my mental health and every day I was questioning my existence.

Everything is a balance and everything we have we shouldn’t take for granted. All the main people in my life I know won’t always be there. 

This is what I know and that is appreciation comes a long way, it truly is the bare minimum we fail to give to the people in our life.