Dhal bhat and fish and chips

I’m in bed right now ill from the lack of rest and I’m here missing my country and the hot weather. I’ve spoken to all my friends about my time in Nepal, and are probably sick of hearing me wanting to return every so often. Previously I hadn’t visited in nearly 5 years and now I’ve told everyone how much I love being there, and asking them to join me when I return.

It’s funny when you haven’t lived your whole life in a country you were born in. I remember when I left Nepal, I was only 4 years old, I was upset with my mother and didn’t want to leave all my relatives and my cousin behind. Turbulence was dreadful and it was cramped on the plane, when I arrived in London it was night time. I stared at my surroundings and felt homesick, everything was loud. My aunt and great uncle greeted us and we arrived in my new home in South Croydon.

A few months later I had started school, it was a difficult time for me, I had an accent and my English was terrible. However I was only a child and looking back at it now it was impressive I was coping being in classes with a few words I could say in English. 

I think that was the start of me rejecting my culture, I barely wanted to continue speaking Nepali and wanted to stop eating my home food. I remember teachers commenting, “she smells of curry” or people taking the piss out what Nepal sounds like “nipples” and groups of children bullying me because I looked different. So I swapped my dhal and bhat for sandwiches and pasta and avoided most parts of my culture. 

It became evident in year 2 (I was 8 years old) I wanted to hide from where I was from. My mum forced me to wear our cultural dress for international evening. For those who don’t know what international evening is, it was an event ran by schools that allowed students to showcase their culture. This event was where each student could either bring their cultural food or even present a dance to show where they’re from. 

I want to thank my mum for forcing me to wear a kurta that evening, it was showing everyone who I am and where I’m from, because now 26 year old me is happy that I didn’t wear jeans and a top that day. Even more I appreciate my mum, grandma and aunts encouraging me to speak Nepali at home because I would have lost my mother tongue.

When I was a teenager, I definitely felt out place, I was the only person from Nepal at my secondary (high-school). It made it difficult and sometimes I wished there was another Nepali. I was so jealous of all my friends who had their own groups (Latinas, Filipinos, Portuguese and many more groups).

I was 13 years old when I first returned to Nepal, it didn’t feel like home, of course it had been 9 years since I was last in Nepal, and I felt like a stranger in my own country. All I kept wishing was to go back home to England, skip to a further 7 years later and I was 20 years old, it was prominent I felt the cultural dysphoria. 

I remember feeling so confused because some people in Nepal felt offended I called England my country, and the other half in England saying I’m British. I felt so lost and unsure who I was. But what I know is that I slowly fell in love with Nepal on my second visit and I started to appreciate the culture and wanted to practice my language. Of course even now speaking Nepali can be a bit difficult but staying there for 3 months helped me improve.

I’m forever grateful that I can speak my language and even though I’m not the most fluent I’m happy I’m always trying. 

The language and food of my culture is something I want to keep a hold onto, but it is also the people I want to hold on to close in my life. 

In my culture, and I’m sure in other cultures we have big families, we treat our cousins as brothers and sisters. This is something which has been encouraged and I was socialised into since I was small, my baby cousins are my little sisters and they truly are my sisters, and only in the recent years have I tried and truly yearn for a close relationship with the rest of my  cousins. It made me desire to have this relationship with them because of my mum and her sisters close relationship with their cousins, hearing about their memories when they were young. Which is why I also miss my cousins in Nepal. So to my cousins in Nepal and elsewhere I am not sorry for the constant messaging and calls. I hope we maintain a close relationship wherever we are!

My friendship circle has also changed, I have my own group of Nepali friends and this is also one of the many reasons where I won’t forget about my culture and for me appreciate it more, one of the guys I know also showed me how to make Newari (a Nepalese tribe) momos, which I now wholeheartedly can make. Which also shaped my love of cooking!

So back to the present time, here I am missing Nepal, I remember my kaka (uncle) asking me why I love Nepal so much? I don’t have one answer for it, I have several, coming back makes me feel nostalgic, it’s a missing puzzle piece, it’s a part of me. I remember last week when I arrived in Kathmandu, as soon as I stepped into my bojus (grandmothers) house I realised how much I missed this country. It’s the people and the laidback, chill atmosphere, the complete opposite to London. Someone who has anxiety and depression, being in Nepal has helped me feel better and takes away my anxiety. 

To the people who ask me who am I- I am both Nepali and British, I have a sense of belonging for both and this is who I am! Some times I will feel the cultural dysphoria, however I remind myself that I’m happy to be raised in two different places.

The virgin Mary

Mother if you’re reading this, cover your eyes.

Ever since I was a kid, I was always taught how a woman’s virginity is sacred. Picture the scene from Jane the Virgin where Jane’s grandmother describes a damaged flower as your virginity. Most times I wish I was told of this, instead of my great aunt telling me don’t let any man touch you down there it’s very special. Even now she reminds me to “protect myself”, virginity is a funny word.

I remember when I went to catholic school and there was a overdramatic shock other girls had already lost their virginity. We all were judging them because they chose to sleep with someone, and it was scandalous.

Even now we judge women for choosing to sleep with someone else before marriage. Isn’t it a funny thing when girls choose to wait until marriage to have sex and she gets mocked for this choice too.

There are pressures of being celibate and it is a challenging one, you have friends all around you who already had sex and share their experiences of any Tom, Dick or Harry they’ve been with. If you lose your virginity now you can be in the same league with your friends, but if you wait you would have missed out on your own experiences. It’s a dilemma, the worst is religion teaching you it’s a beautiful thing to wait and you and your partner will only have each other for the rest of your life, it’s the whole romanticism of being a female who is a virgin. One that films like to describe, including the bible as something sacred or special.

The thing is that yes do it when you’re ready, do it with the right person and you will have shared a great memory or enjoyed yourself, however losing your virginity is not candles and rose petals on the bed, it’s far from that- it’s human pleasure.

We women have been presented with a fantasy that it will blow your mind on the first time, and I’m sure it’s the same with men too. We all have an expected fantasies that doesn’t become reality and so the best thing is enjoy yourself. We need to stop romanticising a woman’s virginity, she won’t be wearing white in her first time that’s for sure.

I know there are women out there that are in fact tired of waiting for sex after marriage that they just want to get this done and get on with their lives.

If you want to sleep with someone then do it, if you want to wait till marriage then do that, but do what you feel is right not what society expects of you.

The irony is society celebrates when a man loses his virginity, funny enough they encourage it and emasculate them if they choose not to sleep with anyone. However it’s the total opposite for a woman, we shouldn’t be enjoying our sexuality we should withhold sex and be celibate if we have sex now then we are not new we’re used and it’s not attractive to a man.

I remember when an article came out that T.I. would still get his daughter checked to see if her hymen was intact. As he says, “I will say, as of her 18th birthday, her hymen is still intact.” This is an extreme example of how society sees fit to socialise us from a young age, but I’m not surprised a man still has to find a way to control us, although it isn’t just men trying to invoke some sort of control through sex. Many other women have been conditioned to believe that a woman is “clean” and “innocent”, and “respectable” if she doesn’t give herself so easily for a man.

Moreover what T.I. said is damaging, this affects women being able to have no control over their own body, and it raises another issue with women’s reproduction rights. Can I also just say that just because a females hymen is not in tact does not mean anything, it’s not always to do with sex.

Even now when a woman chooses to have sex on the first date she is seen as easy. In fact whenever a woman wants to have sex she is judged so easily, I remember girls and boys labelling this female a slut because she’s being honest about her sexuality, and wanted to have sex with a guy, most of them thought she was looking too eager.

The whole point of feminism is equality for both sexes, however when a female wants casual sex and “acts” the way a man behaves, she is punished for her actions, unlike males they are given hi fives and rewarded for their actions. It’s difficult to manoeuvre in a man’s world. 

Sex is how you want it to go, choose who you want to do it with, do it safe and create communication.

“ I will not be judged by you or society, I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe- and kneel” - Samantha Jones

We’re tired of this shit

 I could write an Instagram post or a story about how all of us females feel, but then again people would forget how we feel and see it as a trend.

How many times do we have to tell you men how we feel? How many times do we have to voice our horrid experiences that left us with trauma for people to finally say we’re going to change this now?

How many times do we have to put our keys between our hand in the night to feel safe?

How many times do we have to pretend to be nice to a creep to stop them following us home or to work?

How many times do we have to laugh at a sexist joke so we don’t get called sensitive or a snowflake?

No let me finish speaking. 

I could speak about my own experiences, but what I want to write about is the way men have been socialised to treat women and how some women have contributed to it.

It’s not just about us walking by ourselves in the night, and not about us leaving out our drinks. It’s about how we’ve been socialised from a small age to treat a female. 

I’ve been around a group of men, and hearing how they speak about a woman is disgusting it doesn’t matter to them if they have a mother or sister. 

“Rah did you see that? Look how short her shorts her.”

“She’s had more men in that bed than I have had of women in my bed.”

“Your nails are disgustingly long, slags in my area have nails like that, you’re not a slag so why are you wearing that. My female friends also wear fake nails, and they’re insecure people.”

“He was just being nice, you should dance with him.”

“She is a slag for sleeping with another man so quick.”

“I find women annoying, even if I am one they’re just bitchy, this is why I get along with men more.”

“You know you don’t need to wear tops to show your tits all the time.”

“My mum would kill me if I ever wore a top showing my cleavage.”

“You’re a slag for coming home late”

These are the things I’ve heard, and I will admit I’ve been involved for not standing up to this way of thinking. It’s something I’ve had to correct myself and educate myself, I’ve had to leave these types of friendships and relationships to not be influenced with these misogynistic opinions.

We women are also the problem, we let our male friends judge and name call a women and let them treat other females terribly. I’m not going to say imagine if she was your relative, because it would mean we should only empathise a women because of their roles in a family, such as a mother, sister, daughter or a niece.

But I won’t because we’re human beings, we should be treated as equals.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a feminist, you can be the nicest man however we don’t owe you sex. 

I want to say not all men. However the issue with that is we’re congratulating you for being a decent human being. That is the bare minimum, what should be happening is, the not all men crowd should correct and educate his male cohorts.

We encourage women to dress however they want it’s they’re body, however when a male relative is at home we have to cover up. Why do we have to cover up if a male relative cannot control himself or sexualises their nieces or daughters? We’ve been sexualised from a young age to dress decent in front of a male relative.

I could go on about how the system has failed to protect women however we all know that.

So how many missing women will it take, until we’re taken seriously? Men, what will you do?

Finding yourself in your 20’s

 I always find it funny when people tell me you’ll find yourself in university, or in your thirties you won’t have the same pressure of trying to impress other or feel like you have to have everything in place.

I believe your twenties is whatever you make it, and continue doing when you get older.

I remember when I was 14 fantasying what I would be doing when I’m 18. I thought I would be studying art or fashion and for some reason wearing really nice coats with a beret. Looking back at it now, I didn’t study any of these subjects and it’s different than I imagined.

All of sudden I’m at university imagining what my career would be. I was so unsure, I’m still learning and finding things I like. Finding yourself is a never-ending journey because a career can change, your hobbies won’t be the same, and you’ll have a different group of friends or you may even move to a different city or country.

So what I’m saying is enjoy yourselves, you’ll be working hard all your life but you’re missing out on experiencing life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is true what they say everyone is on their own journey which means you won’t be at the same pace. Sometimes I know I’m hard on myself and I have to remind myself that life isn’t a competition, things take it’s own course.

The final chapter - acceptance

Acceptance does take time, depending on the person and the situation healing can be quick or slow. My healing has been a rollercoaster, but honestly, I've never been so much happier and free. I've started to think more about myself, I saw more of my friends and spent time with my family. I was remembering who I was. I feel that I have changed. 

I’ve experienced going through these stages of grief so many times that it became a habit. At the end of the day I realise now all of this was toxic, why go through all of this to ruin your mental health. I’ve accepted what I’ve gone through however forgiveness is a different issue. Forgiveness takes time it can take years but I’ve come to terms and know there is still a lot of healing to go through. 

The things I’ve learned is:

If you’re truly not happy leave the situation, do not be a people pleaser.

Your emotions are valid- do not let anyone make you feel otherwise 

Do not beg to be treated the bare minimum - dogs, and cats get treated better than that

Do not let anyone make you feel like the bare minimum is the most they can do

Don't question if this person loves you or likes you, question yourself if you do and if you deserve more

So go to that country you've always wanted to travel to, go to the restaurant you've waited to go to, read the book you want, tell someone how you feel, and don't ever regret it. Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons. You either take it or repeat the same mistakes.

Cloudy with a side of sadness and hope- Depression and the upward turn

Depression really affects you, it feels like time is going by really slow. You want everything to go by quick so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.

I know at this stage you feel hopeless and you don’t see much change. Change can be at a slower pace but sometimes you may not see it but the people around you does. I remember feeling this way and at this stage, I didn’t feel like eating, I just felt upset with myself and wanted to cry or listen to sad music or watch a sad film. I wanted to continue to feel this wave of sadness. It's the cycle you want to avoid but it's the feeling that will emerge one way or the other.

The best thing to do is try one step at a time, as much as you want to move on from this feeling, it doesn't work that way. 

It’s so much easier to have a support system that reminds you constantly who you are, however at the end of the day you will be the one alone with your thoughts. The mind is a battlefield, but you can do it. I remember previously constantly blaming myself or replaying a scene and obsessing over it. It became so unhealthy that I had to step outside of my situation and see the bigger picture I was not happy. I was trying so hard to show someone how much I love them, that I was sacrificing my own happiness. *Sidenote - doesn’t matter how much you show a person you love them however they will continue to disrespect you. They will only show you this change temporarily. 

I remember crying every time telling myself something wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I found myself finding comfort through eating and lost my own confidence. I was feeding on the negativity I was told and the countless feelings of insecurity that one day I was getting ready and I looked at the mirror. I could see how much physically and emotionally I was drained. What made me want to leave the situation was because I wasn’t happy, all my life I had subconsciously been led to believe the sacrifices you have done are enough, there will be a deferred gratification, that not everything is perfect - which was a problematic way of thinking. Always put your happiness first never prioritize another person because they will never live up to your expectation or they will continue to hurt you.

Thunder and lightening - Anger and Bargining

 

I have a lot to say about anger, we all get angry but we forget to rationalise in the moment. We feel betrayed and want to hurt the other person. I’ve experienced these before and honestly anger can go two ways, one is pettiness (temporary feeling) and the other is being able to contain the emotion.

My relationship with anger has been a track record. Why do I say that you ask? Well because I’ve been hurt and felt like a fool before, when there’s always been a red flag or a sign.

When it came to friendship there were signs that pointed out this person had pretty much overstayed their welcome in this friendship. I refused to listen I was so stubborn that I forced the friendship. Being angry is completely normal, but blaming yourself for someone’s actions is not it.

Even in my relationships, one of my exes for example I loved him so much, but love should not be the only reason to stay. When the relationship ended I blamed his friends, a small part of me still does. I know it’s not their fault however my ex had a habit of blaming other people, even when he decided on the choices he made himself and then take it out on me. It led to me despising his friends. One of the main reasons was being kind to them and then finding out they all knew the truth and couldn’t look me in the eyes, or before that one of them being unfriendly. That’s when everything I felt then it all exploded. A part of me wanted to scream at everyone but then again why blame a third party when the person you loved chose to hurt you.That’s when you start to shake it off and pick yourself up, the road to recovery and healing wasn’t easy, sometimes it still isn’t. 

Bargaining in a friendship or a relationship - even if it’s something you may or may not have done you beg the person telling them you’ll promise you’ll change. It’s a temporary promise or it can either be genuine. When you lose a friend you expect to go back to the way it used to be but that won’t last, you’re ignoring the underlying truth. Some friendships are there for you to learn from and to grow.

Also when you’re at this stage of bargaining, the person will love bomb you. Love bombing is when the person manipulates and influences your decision, they will tell you how much they love you. You’re the love of their life. It goes on until you change your mind. A manipulation tactic, that instantly makes you forget the individuals actions.

So remember this please do not get confused with compromise and bargaining 2 very different things. Compromise is healthy and finding a balance, bargaining is begging to do all the things a person had promised to do for a long time ago. Bargaining is temporary and doesn’t last long.

Being angry is healthy but staying in that feeling isn’t. It’s accepting the situation knowing that you couldn’t change it but forgiving the people. Forgiveness is difficult but it sets your mind free from feeling all this hate and negative processing.