Food for thought

You’ll come to different peaks in your life and suddenly you realise you are on your own journey.

Being on my own path has been hard. I cannot guarantee that everyday is great but I can say this, some days you’ll miss everything from your past you’ll feel scared and lonely. This is my mind and heart feeling too comfortable in a place where I know I need to move on from. Fear is an obstacle it perpetuates resistance and presents to me never ending long number of excuses to stop me leaving. If I’m stuck in a routine it means I’m too comfortable and not fulfilling what God has planned for me. 

The downside of rushing myself to heal too quickly can feel as if some days I want to bury myself  under my pillows and duvet and allow this negative emotion to ruin my whole day. 10 mins later I realise I’m being too hard on myself, I’m pressuring myself to get to where my friends are. It is exhausting to catch up with where my friends are in their life, I do struggle to remind myself to slow down I’m going through my own storm and so are they.  I may not be going in the same life path as them. 

Loving yourself is one of the difficult things to do, I had allowed myself to be at a place where my mental health was deteriorating. Whoever is reading this I understand some of you may be feeling but remember to put yourself first, we sacrifice our souls for temporary things. No matter how much comfort or happiness you believe you have, you are the one that owns this soul and mind. 

Let us think of ourselves as plants that need to be watered constantly, so what happens if we don’t water it for weeks? If you and I are thinking the same thing, yes the plant is dead. Remember to put yourself first, the constant negative energy that you have absorbed will ruin you, that was me at some points in my life. I fed myself from different energies where I realised I was lost. I’m not perfect I admit that, but I knew I stopped loving myself. Instead of spending time with myself, I looked for happiness everywhere I could get, most times it was all temporary and I did get lost in the moment.

Now I know I’m still healing and learning but I am happier than I’ve ever been. I can say this, time is one of the biggest factors, things didn’t happen instantly for me but I can already see there is a difference in me. 

Love letter series

This is a new type of blog I’m going to be doing, and I love writing. Writing is my therapy, and it makes me feel better.

I’ll be honest...

I like to write about mental health, and I’ve always liked to inform or try to help others understand what most individuals are going through.
A lot of parents or relatives may not understand what some of us are feeling, if no one has realised by now through my previous posts, I admit I have anxiety and depression. It’s been a struggle, I know people who are going through it themselves, I’m not going to make it sound sweet or light, it is a mental battle you are going through constantly, for others depression sometimes just pops up, and you have no reason why you’re feeling this way.

I’m aware there are other people who respond to individuals with depression “to get over it” or “it’ll just pass”, “there are far more important issues than to feel this way,” or “other people have it worse than you.”  Let me tell you, it makes it us all feel like crap, wow we feel so much better. Sometimes just listening and being there for someone helps a lot.

Parents or any relatives reading this I know all of you want to understand what your child/niece/nephew or grandchildren are going through, the best thing is to let them know you’re there for them, when they’re ready to talk you’ll still be there to listen and help them.

To those that are suffering and going through this, you matter! Just remember that there are people who care and love you, even when you believe that there isn’t anyone. For the sake of privacy I’m not going to reveal who this person is but I remember telling an individual what was going on, and they not understanding me. The result of my mental health led to me getting horrible migraines which I had nearly everyday, it led to me being bedridden and wanting to vomit, when they asked what was going on and I explained to them this was what was happening, their response was to take loads of pills. At that moment I didn’t know how to respond that, they aren’t educated enough to understand mental health.

Telling a person who has depression to take lots of pills isn’t the best response, it made me mad but I also realised that your ignorance can destroy an individual, “sticks and stones may broke my bones but words WILL effect me.” So be it at home or at work or anywhere, just empathise what someone is going through, we need more empathy than apathy.

Untitled Series

When you know who you are, you feel complete. 

Knowing you’re born in a country and have been encouraged to immerse in a culture, but then you’ve been brought up somewhere else. 

You’re surrounded by people of culture, you’re the only one from your country, you try to fit in. No one understands anything about your culture, so you decide to change. 

You feel like there’s no one who can speak your language, you don’t bump into anyone who you can feel familiar with in school, at home you’re someone from Nepal but at school you’re eating sandwiches and crisps.
You’re now 18 you think you fit in with these groups of girls, you can feel a little bit of your culture, they’re not from your country but you’re happy nonetheless about the same understanding you feel connected with. You’ve even gone back to visit your country, but you don’t feel connected, your mother tongue doesn’t naturally flow, and you’re stuck there smiling because that’s all you can do. Your cousins have become close with one another, and you feel out of the loop, you love your culture but you also disagree with the views or opinions held.

You come back from your holiday, you feel like you’ve taken a bit of your culture back with you, you feel like your part of a group but after a few months, you still don’t feel like you fit in anywhere. You’re forever trying to find a sense of identity, who are you?

My mother tongue

So what do you consider yourself as?  That's a good question. Growing up in England was different, as I recalled in my previous post I was brought up in a white neighborhood, I know I was different, I didn't look like any of my classmates.

I remember when I wanted to have the same lunch as the rest of the class, when you're a young kid, you want to fit in and not stand out. 

Because I was not from the same country as them I was made fun of by the teachers and classmates, as quoted by the teachers that “I smelt like curry”, or for being blamed for something I didn't do. I was the black sheep that stood out, I still spoke my mother tongue at home, but the peers I hung out with didn't speak my language, so I stopped caring to learn. 

Instead, I embraced my Britney, Destiny's child, and Christina, it became better but I still shielded away my culture, I remember wearing one of my cultural dresses for international evening, and I did not want to wear it. I wanted to wear jeans and a top, I was the only kid from Nepal, and I didn't want to stand out. However, because of my mother's persistence I had to wear it, I felt uncomfortable all evening and just wanted to go home.

Fast forward to secondary school, I saw how much everyone was celebrating their own culture, I wanted to fit in and have the same values they had, but there was no one to celebrate a Nepalese culture. 

Whilst still in school I was happy that I had my own thing, I could (partly) speak a language that no one could figure out where from, but also at the same time it was frustrating. Majority of the people in my school had no clue where I was from, of course, you had the few who knew where it exactly it was, and knew more about my culture than me, I did regret not knowing more about my country. 

By the time I got to my late teens I felt left out unable to feel like my whole identity and value was in Nepal or in England. I couldn't fit in any of those boxes, I was in between both, and wanted to feel like I could fit into one at least.
When I went back to visit my country, I felt like a stranger, I was only four years old when I left, and I was 20 years old when I returned and it didn't feel like home when visiting Nepal (which was only for four months).

I remember doing an internship for a TV channel, and I was asked if I was fluent in Nepali, with confidence I had said yes and when it was my time to interview these employees I was a horse in a room full of cows, I could only speak the basics, and they couldn't even understand what I was saying to them, it was very difficult and I felt like I could not fit in. 

There were positives because I made friends and I had my cousins, I felt like I could finally connect with my culture, although I missed out on learning more, I was beginning to feel more proud of where I came from- in the beginning I decided to step away from my culture and tried to fit in with everyone else, but this time I was welcoming it back.

So whilst being in Nepal, I started to feel comfortable and quite peaceful with myself, I felt these two identities merging together, Nepal and England, I thought I could only welcome one and hide the other- only bringing it out when I'm mostly with my family.

Now that I'm much older, I want my generation and the newer generations to embrace their culture if we stop following our own traditions it will all be forgotten, and the culture is a part of me that presents what individuality really is. Even though sometimes I still question my identity, I'm learning to love it, even if I listen to Beyonce, or Ariana Grande, I'll still be watching 'Main Hoon Na' or 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai' (A classic! You should all watch it!).

Can we talk?

I've always talked about mental health, and it means a lot to me because this is an issue that's seen as a taboo subject, which no one wants to talk about. This time I’ve asked some female participants on their personal experience with mental illness. 

Talking about mental health is important to me because more and more people are becoming depressed or have anxiety, statistics from the mental health foundation presents that 1 in 10 kids and young people are affected by mental health, such as depression, anxiety or other mental disorder, due to problems that are happening in their life.

But in comparison to today and the generation before, the change in lifestyle and growing up is different to how it was 30 years ago. Below are the personal experiences with mental health from young women- per request the female participants have asked to be anonymous.



In some social situations, I feel I get so quiet and anxious that I just end up not saying anything. I'll be listening but not saying anything because I'm scared that what I'll say won't be funny or worthwhile. I wouldn't say my social anxiety controls my life, although it does prevent me from joining in groups I don't feel comfortable in and that's really ok. Best thing is to surround yourself with people you feel relaxed with, there's no point being with people who don't support you that way and who don't appreciate you for yourself.

———————————————

I wanted to cry today, I don’t know why but I feel like I’m at war with myself and the rest of the world, I curse myself. There are times where I’m so happy, and I feel so encouraged. But then suddenly a voice at the back of my head starts to remind me of all the things people have said to me, which are all discouraging, and once again I retreat back to comfort, most times I can't even leave my house, because I feel like I'm mentally trapped. There’s a war I’m fighting, the will to live and wanting to meet death. Most days crying doesn’t always help, instead, hurting yourself can numb the mental pain, it’s a constant reminder that you have no choice whilst this goes on. When there isn’t a problem, I overthink the situation and to make it seem better I mix it with negative thoughts, leading me to cry, making me feel that I'm trapped, I feel as if I can’t breathe. This is the worst kind of feeling to have, I don't like showing my sadness, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to know I'm the same person I am now- I don't want to be labeled. There is always a high and low feeling for me, but what helps me the most is talking to someone who I trust, although some haven't experienced none of the above they listen to my struggles. We need people to listen and empathize; listening and being there for the person is one way to let them know you are with them, and that you are not alone.
———————————————
My experience with mental health has been an incredibly difficult one. During my A-levels I had my first panic attack, I was so confused as to why I was feeling so scared, worried and down. I was never able to give an answer for "why are you crying" because I never really knew myself, all I know was I felt scared and sad. Once I'd finished with my A-levels my anxiety continued to pester me, making the simplest of tasks hard to do, such as taking a phone call or going to an interview. It was becoming impossible to move up in the world and get on with my life because my head was stuck in the same, scared place. My anxiety still acts up today, however finding love and having amazing friends around me had definitely helped to calm it, I no longer suffer from panic attacks and no longer fear getting on with my life. And although every now and again I get that sinking twinge of anxiety, I push through it knowing that I'll feel alright by tomorrow. I feel an important thing to remember when you suffer from any mental health disorders, is to communicate, allow at least one person in because they might be the one to pull you out of it!
————————————————

For the past year as much as we may think we have evolved and grown in society, I still believe we hold back, we hold back from truly being ourselves from going forward and being able to talk about certain topics that are considered taboo within cultures, allowing ourselves to live in this constant fear of being judged. You need to know that it is okay not to be okay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to someone and seeking help. 

Anxiety and depression comes in all different forms, whether it be social or certain things that trigger it. Often you come to realise that it is a mixture of emotions bottled up into one big bowl of agony. I would describe myself as an extrovert, I enjoy being in people's company being that type of person that likes to put others happiness before my own. Although I do have my bad days too. I feel that it is such an incredible feeling to be able to make others feel good about themselves and to see and bring out the best in them. All up until there comes a moment where you begin to lose yourself through it, i.e. your self-worth, beginning to question your overall purpose as a person.  

Exactly 2 years ago I had experienced one of the worst possible things to date and I don't think I had ever reached such a breaking point. Invested my all into someone who I thought would never let me
down. I cared a lot about this individual and well when one does not reciprocate their feelings back it can be one of the most painful encounters to face. Each day I would go through episodes of attacks and moments where I would feel like I would pass out. I wanted out. It started to affect me mentally as well as my physical health, to the point where my family and friends started to notice the change in my appearance and attitude. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. My confidence and self-esteem were completely shaken. I had come to a conclusion that I had in fact fallen for my best friend, more than anything it was the rejection that got the best of me.

Alongside this I was also coming in terms with my sexual orientation, I knew from day one there was something different about myself, I felt like I have been living this huge lie and the people dearest to me hadn't the slightest clue and it would sting me every day. Point is when there is nothing but darkness everywhere, there is light as well. You just need to go look for it, that could mean talking to that one friend which can release an immense amount of pressure of your chest and shoulders. I feel like that really helped me and I am grateful to be surrounded by kind-hearted genuine souls. One of them being my sister that played a huge role. I learned a lot of things throughout this experience one being to never revolve your happiness around someone, do not give someone the power to hurt you, it's your life and only you should have control over your ship. We learn something new every day and regardless of what happens or what we go through we should be thankful for the experiences and what they teach us. It only ever shapes us to be stronger than we already are. It's true what they say, to love someone else, you need to be able to fall in love with yourself first.

If you or you know someone who is facing this alone:
- Tell someone you trust
- The Samaritans: 116 123 (24 hr service and completely free to call)
- Rethink Mental illness: 0300 5000 927 (For practical advice, Mon- Fri 10am-2pm, calls are charged with your local rate)
- Talk to your GP

She firmly clutched her bag

She wakes up, gets out of her bed, walks to the bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror. 

She brushes her teeth and washes her face, changes to jeans and a top, puts her make up on and brushes her hair. 

Out the door and into the sunshine, she can't wait for the day ahead. Skip ahead and it's 11pm she's looking straight ahead, in the distance she sees groups of men laughing and shouting, she looks for another way to get home but there is no choice, she clutches her bag and remembers she has her deodorant spray just in case. 

She spaces herself from the group of men and looks straight ahead, makes a serious face and walks on, as soon as she's away from them, she breathes a sigh of relief, nearly home now anyway, there's her neighbour and a couple holding hands, there's her door and she feels happy to see it ever than before. 

Closing the door behind her, she locks the door, pulls her bolt. A notification ring from her phone, averts her attention to the screen, "Gurll I had such a fun time with you all, next weekend is Chris' bday, you better be coming!" she smiles to herself and types a response, "Ofc I can't wait!", puts it back in her bag and walks up the stairs, until next weekend! She'll have to go through it all again.