My mother tongue

So what do you consider yourself as?  That's a good question. Growing up in England was different, as I recalled in my previous post I was brought up in a white neighborhood, I know I was different, I didn't look like any of my classmates.

I remember when I wanted to have the same lunch as the rest of the class, when you're a young kid, you want to fit in and not stand out. 

Because I was not from the same country as them I was made fun of by the teachers and classmates, as quoted by the teachers that “I smelt like curry”, or for being blamed for something I didn't do. I was the black sheep that stood out, I still spoke my mother tongue at home, but the peers I hung out with didn't speak my language, so I stopped caring to learn. 

Instead, I embraced my Britney, Destiny's child, and Christina, it became better but I still shielded away my culture, I remember wearing one of my cultural dresses for international evening, and I did not want to wear it. I wanted to wear jeans and a top, I was the only kid from Nepal, and I didn't want to stand out. However, because of my mother's persistence I had to wear it, I felt uncomfortable all evening and just wanted to go home.

Fast forward to secondary school, I saw how much everyone was celebrating their own culture, I wanted to fit in and have the same values they had, but there was no one to celebrate a Nepalese culture. 

Whilst still in school I was happy that I had my own thing, I could (partly) speak a language that no one could figure out where from, but also at the same time it was frustrating. Majority of the people in my school had no clue where I was from, of course, you had the few who knew where it exactly it was, and knew more about my culture than me, I did regret not knowing more about my country. 

By the time I got to my late teens I felt left out unable to feel like my whole identity and value was in Nepal or in England. I couldn't fit in any of those boxes, I was in between both, and wanted to feel like I could fit into one at least.
When I went back to visit my country, I felt like a stranger, I was only four years old when I left, and I was 20 years old when I returned and it didn't feel like home when visiting Nepal (which was only for four months).

I remember doing an internship for a TV channel, and I was asked if I was fluent in Nepali, with confidence I had said yes and when it was my time to interview these employees I was a horse in a room full of cows, I could only speak the basics, and they couldn't even understand what I was saying to them, it was very difficult and I felt like I could not fit in. 

There were positives because I made friends and I had my cousins, I felt like I could finally connect with my culture, although I missed out on learning more, I was beginning to feel more proud of where I came from- in the beginning I decided to step away from my culture and tried to fit in with everyone else, but this time I was welcoming it back.

So whilst being in Nepal, I started to feel comfortable and quite peaceful with myself, I felt these two identities merging together, Nepal and England, I thought I could only welcome one and hide the other- only bringing it out when I'm mostly with my family.

Now that I'm much older, I want my generation and the newer generations to embrace their culture if we stop following our own traditions it will all be forgotten, and the culture is a part of me that presents what individuality really is. Even though sometimes I still question my identity, I'm learning to love it, even if I listen to Beyonce, or Ariana Grande, I'll still be watching 'Main Hoon Na' or 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai' (A classic! You should all watch it!).