Can we talk?

I've always talked about mental health, and it means a lot to me because this is an issue that's seen as a taboo subject, which no one wants to talk about. This time I’ve asked some female participants on their personal experience with mental illness. 

Talking about mental health is important to me because more and more people are becoming depressed or have anxiety, statistics from the mental health foundation presents that 1 in 10 kids and young people are affected by mental health, such as depression, anxiety or other mental disorder, due to problems that are happening in their life.

But in comparison to today and the generation before, the change in lifestyle and growing up is different to how it was 30 years ago. Below are the personal experiences with mental health from young women- per request the female participants have asked to be anonymous.



In some social situations, I feel I get so quiet and anxious that I just end up not saying anything. I'll be listening but not saying anything because I'm scared that what I'll say won't be funny or worthwhile. I wouldn't say my social anxiety controls my life, although it does prevent me from joining in groups I don't feel comfortable in and that's really ok. Best thing is to surround yourself with people you feel relaxed with, there's no point being with people who don't support you that way and who don't appreciate you for yourself.

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I wanted to cry today, I don’t know why but I feel like I’m at war with myself and the rest of the world, I curse myself. There are times where I’m so happy, and I feel so encouraged. But then suddenly a voice at the back of my head starts to remind me of all the things people have said to me, which are all discouraging, and once again I retreat back to comfort, most times I can't even leave my house, because I feel like I'm mentally trapped. There’s a war I’m fighting, the will to live and wanting to meet death. Most days crying doesn’t always help, instead, hurting yourself can numb the mental pain, it’s a constant reminder that you have no choice whilst this goes on. When there isn’t a problem, I overthink the situation and to make it seem better I mix it with negative thoughts, leading me to cry, making me feel that I'm trapped, I feel as if I can’t breathe. This is the worst kind of feeling to have, I don't like showing my sadness, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to know I'm the same person I am now- I don't want to be labeled. There is always a high and low feeling for me, but what helps me the most is talking to someone who I trust, although some haven't experienced none of the above they listen to my struggles. We need people to listen and empathize; listening and being there for the person is one way to let them know you are with them, and that you are not alone.
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My experience with mental health has been an incredibly difficult one. During my A-levels I had my first panic attack, I was so confused as to why I was feeling so scared, worried and down. I was never able to give an answer for "why are you crying" because I never really knew myself, all I know was I felt scared and sad. Once I'd finished with my A-levels my anxiety continued to pester me, making the simplest of tasks hard to do, such as taking a phone call or going to an interview. It was becoming impossible to move up in the world and get on with my life because my head was stuck in the same, scared place. My anxiety still acts up today, however finding love and having amazing friends around me had definitely helped to calm it, I no longer suffer from panic attacks and no longer fear getting on with my life. And although every now and again I get that sinking twinge of anxiety, I push through it knowing that I'll feel alright by tomorrow. I feel an important thing to remember when you suffer from any mental health disorders, is to communicate, allow at least one person in because they might be the one to pull you out of it!
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For the past year as much as we may think we have evolved and grown in society, I still believe we hold back, we hold back from truly being ourselves from going forward and being able to talk about certain topics that are considered taboo within cultures, allowing ourselves to live in this constant fear of being judged. You need to know that it is okay not to be okay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to someone and seeking help. 

Anxiety and depression comes in all different forms, whether it be social or certain things that trigger it. Often you come to realise that it is a mixture of emotions bottled up into one big bowl of agony. I would describe myself as an extrovert, I enjoy being in people's company being that type of person that likes to put others happiness before my own. Although I do have my bad days too. I feel that it is such an incredible feeling to be able to make others feel good about themselves and to see and bring out the best in them. All up until there comes a moment where you begin to lose yourself through it, i.e. your self-worth, beginning to question your overall purpose as a person.  

Exactly 2 years ago I had experienced one of the worst possible things to date and I don't think I had ever reached such a breaking point. Invested my all into someone who I thought would never let me
down. I cared a lot about this individual and well when one does not reciprocate their feelings back it can be one of the most painful encounters to face. Each day I would go through episodes of attacks and moments where I would feel like I would pass out. I wanted out. It started to affect me mentally as well as my physical health, to the point where my family and friends started to notice the change in my appearance and attitude. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. My confidence and self-esteem were completely shaken. I had come to a conclusion that I had in fact fallen for my best friend, more than anything it was the rejection that got the best of me.

Alongside this I was also coming in terms with my sexual orientation, I knew from day one there was something different about myself, I felt like I have been living this huge lie and the people dearest to me hadn't the slightest clue and it would sting me every day. Point is when there is nothing but darkness everywhere, there is light as well. You just need to go look for it, that could mean talking to that one friend which can release an immense amount of pressure of your chest and shoulders. I feel like that really helped me and I am grateful to be surrounded by kind-hearted genuine souls. One of them being my sister that played a huge role. I learned a lot of things throughout this experience one being to never revolve your happiness around someone, do not give someone the power to hurt you, it's your life and only you should have control over your ship. We learn something new every day and regardless of what happens or what we go through we should be thankful for the experiences and what they teach us. It only ever shapes us to be stronger than we already are. It's true what they say, to love someone else, you need to be able to fall in love with yourself first.

If you or you know someone who is facing this alone:
- Tell someone you trust
- The Samaritans: 116 123 (24 hr service and completely free to call)
- Rethink Mental illness: 0300 5000 927 (For practical advice, Mon- Fri 10am-2pm, calls are charged with your local rate)
- Talk to your GP

Stop crying!

I had been planning to write about men's mental health, but it took a long time to think of what to write, or how to even start this post.

Firstly as a female, I cannot assume what most males are going through, although some of it can be understood through the media- making fun of men expressing emotions.

There have been films such as 'Fight Club' (spoiler alert to those who haven't watched the movie)  presents a male protagonist who unbeknownst to him has another personality- this separate character is the total opposite and shown through the eyes of the protagonist who sees him being masculine, a leader and confident who attracts the attention of females, the want to be this macho guy, all guys look up to. 

These types of behaviors are only expected in some countries mostly in western cultures, whereas countries such as South Korea; men express their emotions through physical behavior which is by male groups putting their arm around each other, or holding hands, it is encouraged by the media. Although only now mainstream media has encouraged males to express their emotions, this is most recent and society is slowly accepting this.
I asked most male respondents on their experiences with mental health, below are their responses:

• "Well it's true that for a long time emotionality in men has been looked upon in a negative light. There does seem to be a tendency in societies around the world to pigeonhole men into the role of the rock or figurehead of a group or family, which puts a lot of pressure on men to remain stoic and emotionally strong regardless of whether or not they feel that on the inside.As some equate the showing of emotion (crying, self-doubt etc) as a sign of weakness. In the west this has changed substantially I think because of the focus on mental health we have in the media nowadays ( movies, TV, the press). I think environment plays a large part in how willing a man is to show vulnerability and emotions if he is surrounded by people that won't judge him, the more likely he will be to open up about his feelings. If this is reversed and the man is raised in an environment, where the more violent potential of masculinity is the norm or a necessary requirement (i.e prisons, war zones, and rough neighbourhoods were male on male violence is common) this forces men to bury their vulnerability for the sake of survival. I think environment plays a large part in how willing a man is to show vulnerability and emotions if he is surrounded by people that won't judge him, the more likely he will be to open up about his feelings." 

• "One of my anxieties is thinking about the future, would I have a good life or a better job? So it's normally the guy thinking like this is because of the prehistoric times (protect, shelter, feed). It's mostly having anxiety where they think they can't better themselves. I can't do much, I think that I really can't improve on different areas of life. The times that I felt depressed was when my father left me."

• "Mental health amongst men is very common, not many men speak out about it simply because of set social standards and acts. Depression and anxiety, as well as stress, are things that I myself have experienced and were difficult to cope with as I also became part of the norm to not speak out and ask for help. Some days would feel like a struggle to live, breathing would become a heavy task and even speaking to others seemed like a burden. Living became an empty shell where I didn't really hope for anything or want anything - disappointed before things even began. Others around me felt the need to pick me up and that only added to both parties weight - I felt even more useless and a burden and they endured even more hardship. As it progressed, a lot of people tended to stop talking to me and I distanced myself.

• It was weird though, some days I would be perfectly fine and suddenly it would just smack me right in the face and everything turned upside down. I would stop eating food, going on with some days with just a simple meal consisting of a single apple, crisps and if I'm lucky maybe a sandwich. Breaking out of it is no easy task either, it definitely took me awhile to feel better but for me, there was a realization that hit me. I wanted to be happy and healthy, and enjoy life for what it is. I truly aim to love every second of life as it means so much, not to lose a moment - ever."

• "Depression comes whenever you're alone and there's a moment where you think just about yourself and how others view you and mainly think negative thoughts as I'm your head people judge you the way you are like you feel hated and not needed so you conclude to discard others or do stupid things to harm yourself."

• "For me, I would say I've had periods where I have felt severely depressed and periods where I've been very normal. And I'm not too sure what gets me in and out, but I can tell you that when I start feeling depressed, I know because I dislike being around people. I can't make eye contact, constantly have negative thoughts racing through my mind...would rather do things alone even though I feel lonely. I also declined invitations to things I previously enjoyed doing...I remember in college all I would is sit in my room, smoke weed and watch stuff on YouTube, that got a bit depressing but I chose not to do anything about it as there wasn't anybody to tell me differently. One day I decided to start going the gym. It helped but not really, I think the only thing that really helped was talking to my friends. Another time stress from uni was getting so much that I was having really bad thoughts, no matter how much I blocked them out I was still thinking about them...suicidal...but I was sane enough not to do it. I had to call up home. I ended up breaking down on the phone with my mum and she asked me to come home immediately. I didn't. I stayed and passed my exams. What got me through my depressive periods is friends and family, also not letting it beat me. I challenged it and I beat it instead. Off the record I experimented with a lot of drugs in university, that's what brought about a lot of the depression, it was mainly by the hallucinogenics."

Thank you to the male participants for sharing their experiences, it's hard to speak about mental health, but important that we are aware of this, and aim to encourage others to speak up. If you are experiencing or feeling this way, below is the CALM campaign link and phone number where you can get help right away, or would just like to speak to someone.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
0808 802 58 58