My mother tongue

So what do you consider yourself as?  That's a good question. Growing up in England was different, as I recalled in my previous post I was brought up in a white neighborhood, I know I was different, I didn't look like any of my classmates.

I remember when I wanted to have the same lunch as the rest of the class, when you're a young kid, you want to fit in and not stand out. 

Because I was not from the same country as them I was made fun of by the teachers and classmates, as quoted by the teachers that “I smelt like curry”, or for being blamed for something I didn't do. I was the black sheep that stood out, I still spoke my mother tongue at home, but the peers I hung out with didn't speak my language, so I stopped caring to learn. 

Instead, I embraced my Britney, Destiny's child, and Christina, it became better but I still shielded away my culture, I remember wearing one of my cultural dresses for international evening, and I did not want to wear it. I wanted to wear jeans and a top, I was the only kid from Nepal, and I didn't want to stand out. However, because of my mother's persistence I had to wear it, I felt uncomfortable all evening and just wanted to go home.

Fast forward to secondary school, I saw how much everyone was celebrating their own culture, I wanted to fit in and have the same values they had, but there was no one to celebrate a Nepalese culture. 

Whilst still in school I was happy that I had my own thing, I could (partly) speak a language that no one could figure out where from, but also at the same time it was frustrating. Majority of the people in my school had no clue where I was from, of course, you had the few who knew where it exactly it was, and knew more about my culture than me, I did regret not knowing more about my country. 

By the time I got to my late teens I felt left out unable to feel like my whole identity and value was in Nepal or in England. I couldn't fit in any of those boxes, I was in between both, and wanted to feel like I could fit into one at least.
When I went back to visit my country, I felt like a stranger, I was only four years old when I left, and I was 20 years old when I returned and it didn't feel like home when visiting Nepal (which was only for four months).

I remember doing an internship for a TV channel, and I was asked if I was fluent in Nepali, with confidence I had said yes and when it was my time to interview these employees I was a horse in a room full of cows, I could only speak the basics, and they couldn't even understand what I was saying to them, it was very difficult and I felt like I could not fit in. 

There were positives because I made friends and I had my cousins, I felt like I could finally connect with my culture, although I missed out on learning more, I was beginning to feel more proud of where I came from- in the beginning I decided to step away from my culture and tried to fit in with everyone else, but this time I was welcoming it back.

So whilst being in Nepal, I started to feel comfortable and quite peaceful with myself, I felt these two identities merging together, Nepal and England, I thought I could only welcome one and hide the other- only bringing it out when I'm mostly with my family.

Now that I'm much older, I want my generation and the newer generations to embrace their culture if we stop following our own traditions it will all be forgotten, and the culture is a part of me that presents what individuality really is. Even though sometimes I still question my identity, I'm learning to love it, even if I listen to Beyonce, or Ariana Grande, I'll still be watching 'Main Hoon Na' or 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai' (A classic! You should all watch it!).

Can we talk?

I've always talked about mental health, and it means a lot to me because this is an issue that's seen as a taboo subject, which no one wants to talk about. This time I’ve asked some female participants on their personal experience with mental illness. 

Talking about mental health is important to me because more and more people are becoming depressed or have anxiety, statistics from the mental health foundation presents that 1 in 10 kids and young people are affected by mental health, such as depression, anxiety or other mental disorder, due to problems that are happening in their life.

But in comparison to today and the generation before, the change in lifestyle and growing up is different to how it was 30 years ago. Below are the personal experiences with mental health from young women- per request the female participants have asked to be anonymous.



In some social situations, I feel I get so quiet and anxious that I just end up not saying anything. I'll be listening but not saying anything because I'm scared that what I'll say won't be funny or worthwhile. I wouldn't say my social anxiety controls my life, although it does prevent me from joining in groups I don't feel comfortable in and that's really ok. Best thing is to surround yourself with people you feel relaxed with, there's no point being with people who don't support you that way and who don't appreciate you for yourself.

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I wanted to cry today, I don’t know why but I feel like I’m at war with myself and the rest of the world, I curse myself. There are times where I’m so happy, and I feel so encouraged. But then suddenly a voice at the back of my head starts to remind me of all the things people have said to me, which are all discouraging, and once again I retreat back to comfort, most times I can't even leave my house, because I feel like I'm mentally trapped. There’s a war I’m fighting, the will to live and wanting to meet death. Most days crying doesn’t always help, instead, hurting yourself can numb the mental pain, it’s a constant reminder that you have no choice whilst this goes on. When there isn’t a problem, I overthink the situation and to make it seem better I mix it with negative thoughts, leading me to cry, making me feel that I'm trapped, I feel as if I can’t breathe. This is the worst kind of feeling to have, I don't like showing my sadness, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to know I'm the same person I am now- I don't want to be labeled. There is always a high and low feeling for me, but what helps me the most is talking to someone who I trust, although some haven't experienced none of the above they listen to my struggles. We need people to listen and empathize; listening and being there for the person is one way to let them know you are with them, and that you are not alone.
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My experience with mental health has been an incredibly difficult one. During my A-levels I had my first panic attack, I was so confused as to why I was feeling so scared, worried and down. I was never able to give an answer for "why are you crying" because I never really knew myself, all I know was I felt scared and sad. Once I'd finished with my A-levels my anxiety continued to pester me, making the simplest of tasks hard to do, such as taking a phone call or going to an interview. It was becoming impossible to move up in the world and get on with my life because my head was stuck in the same, scared place. My anxiety still acts up today, however finding love and having amazing friends around me had definitely helped to calm it, I no longer suffer from panic attacks and no longer fear getting on with my life. And although every now and again I get that sinking twinge of anxiety, I push through it knowing that I'll feel alright by tomorrow. I feel an important thing to remember when you suffer from any mental health disorders, is to communicate, allow at least one person in because they might be the one to pull you out of it!
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For the past year as much as we may think we have evolved and grown in society, I still believe we hold back, we hold back from truly being ourselves from going forward and being able to talk about certain topics that are considered taboo within cultures, allowing ourselves to live in this constant fear of being judged. You need to know that it is okay not to be okay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to someone and seeking help. 

Anxiety and depression comes in all different forms, whether it be social or certain things that trigger it. Often you come to realise that it is a mixture of emotions bottled up into one big bowl of agony. I would describe myself as an extrovert, I enjoy being in people's company being that type of person that likes to put others happiness before my own. Although I do have my bad days too. I feel that it is such an incredible feeling to be able to make others feel good about themselves and to see and bring out the best in them. All up until there comes a moment where you begin to lose yourself through it, i.e. your self-worth, beginning to question your overall purpose as a person.  

Exactly 2 years ago I had experienced one of the worst possible things to date and I don't think I had ever reached such a breaking point. Invested my all into someone who I thought would never let me
down. I cared a lot about this individual and well when one does not reciprocate their feelings back it can be one of the most painful encounters to face. Each day I would go through episodes of attacks and moments where I would feel like I would pass out. I wanted out. It started to affect me mentally as well as my physical health, to the point where my family and friends started to notice the change in my appearance and attitude. I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. My confidence and self-esteem were completely shaken. I had come to a conclusion that I had in fact fallen for my best friend, more than anything it was the rejection that got the best of me.

Alongside this I was also coming in terms with my sexual orientation, I knew from day one there was something different about myself, I felt like I have been living this huge lie and the people dearest to me hadn't the slightest clue and it would sting me every day. Point is when there is nothing but darkness everywhere, there is light as well. You just need to go look for it, that could mean talking to that one friend which can release an immense amount of pressure of your chest and shoulders. I feel like that really helped me and I am grateful to be surrounded by kind-hearted genuine souls. One of them being my sister that played a huge role. I learned a lot of things throughout this experience one being to never revolve your happiness around someone, do not give someone the power to hurt you, it's your life and only you should have control over your ship. We learn something new every day and regardless of what happens or what we go through we should be thankful for the experiences and what they teach us. It only ever shapes us to be stronger than we already are. It's true what they say, to love someone else, you need to be able to fall in love with yourself first.

If you or you know someone who is facing this alone:
- Tell someone you trust
- The Samaritans: 116 123 (24 hr service and completely free to call)
- Rethink Mental illness: 0300 5000 927 (For practical advice, Mon- Fri 10am-2pm, calls are charged with your local rate)
- Talk to your GP

She firmly clutched her bag

She wakes up, gets out of her bed, walks to the bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror. 

She brushes her teeth and washes her face, changes to jeans and a top, puts her make up on and brushes her hair. 

Out the door and into the sunshine, she can't wait for the day ahead. Skip ahead and it's 11pm she's looking straight ahead, in the distance she sees groups of men laughing and shouting, she looks for another way to get home but there is no choice, she clutches her bag and remembers she has her deodorant spray just in case. 

She spaces herself from the group of men and looks straight ahead, makes a serious face and walks on, as soon as she's away from them, she breathes a sigh of relief, nearly home now anyway, there's her neighbour and a couple holding hands, there's her door and she feels happy to see it ever than before. 

Closing the door behind her, she locks the door, pulls her bolt. A notification ring from her phone, averts her attention to the screen, "Gurll I had such a fun time with you all, next weekend is Chris' bday, you better be coming!" she smiles to herself and types a response, "Ofc I can't wait!", puts it back in her bag and walks up the stairs, until next weekend! She'll have to go through it all again.

What are you wearing?

It's amazing seeing such strong women, with everything that's happened recently, I'm proud that women are standing up for their beliefs, that's inspirational. All women standing proud, this is what feminism is- the fight for equality. It's not hating the opposite sex, or judging them.

I want to write a message of love, it's great to see women supporting each other, this is sisterhood, but what is not great is females criticising each other, or not even being supportive of one another. Of course we all experienced the hate. If more women set aside their differences, and came along together, nothing would stop them. I believe that the rise of more social media users, are on two sides; the good and the bad, those who encourage and write thoughtful messages, but then there's the bad, those who love to leave toxic comments. Not just social media, but in real life, why be so hateful? The more hate we spew to one another other, the less of a sisterhood there is. Let's be kind.

I'm proud to be a women, there are struggles, but we're strong enough to get through the storm.

The elephant in the room

What I want to write about is the recent news that has come to light- the Harvey Weinstein allegations (which are true and have been reported by all women), what Weinstein did was not new information. It's what Hollywood has been hiding for a long time, showing the industries tolerance to rape and sexual harassment. The title of my blog has its own irony, these convictions- Hollywood was aware what kinds of unfathomable acts are happening inside.
It's ironic how early on only two or three people spoke out about the abuse Hollywood was hiding, but everyone else chose to ignore it, and turn a blind eye, why is it only just now everyone has decided to speak out on it you ask?

Previous to those who early on bravely spoke out about their horrible experience, a majority of people ignored them, can you imagine what other peoples reaction is when you tell them "well-respected" people of the entertainment world has sexually harassed you or touched you in any indecent way?
Or not even Hollywood, your male or female co-worker taking advantage of you because they're in a higher position than you, even if you told someone there wouldn't be much action taken against the person. But nonetheless, it was 2017 when most women thought enough was enough, they cannot let others be treated the same as they had been.
As Margaret Mead puts it, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
That's what they did, and now what was seen as taboo to talk about, it's being spoken about everywhere, this is what needs to be tackled!

Of course, there are the ones who love to criticise and belittle those who share their experience, and my response to these trolls are, how can anyone just assume that a human being would be happy with you touching them anywhere they feel is uncomfortable. Stay aware, and learn how to treat a human being because you are one them.

For those who are going through this, you are not alone, don't let these people bully you or manipulate you, stay strong and tell someone! You are a strong person, and your feelings will not be ignored.

Keep your mind refreshed

As we all know there have been many devastations  around the world, to face these issues first on we have got to be aware; aware that those who have greater influence can help educate those on their ignorance.
There are social media influencers who can actually address situations and have their followers aware that certain things are wrong. For instance cultrual appropriation can be misunderstood, the defintion as it merely states is, "taking aspects from a minority culture, for its aesthetics, without knowning the meaning behind it." It is when a majority decides to take some of the cultural aspects from a minority group and make it into their own, for example the native american headdress which means alot to them but many people wear it as a fancy dress costume without realising their ignorance, also offensive.
If you love the culture, and wanna wear the custom dress- that's fine, but what's not fine is wearing it for halloween (any costume theme party) or even taking bits of it and making it into your own design. That is what cultural appropriation is, rather than turning a blind eye and looking like a fool, educate yourself, you're never too old to learn.