Me, myself and God

 I really want to say I've taken a big break from blogging, but this whole year I'm sure many can understand this year has been tough. My mental health has been hit the hardest, and I haven't had the motivation to write at all.

I don't write or speak much about my faith, that's why I wanted to write about it. The older I get the less I start to believe. I do have faith, but as I get older I start to question my belief. 

Since I was born my mum and grandma have been avid churchgoers, I remember in the evenings my mum or grandma would place scarves on their heads- meaning "I'm praying, don't disturb me." Another time was during evening mass I did not like, I would end up falling asleep and my mum would nudge me to wake up. Whenever mass (service) ended, we would have to go to each statue of Mother Mary and Jesus to pray each time, it became a routine for me, but I did enjoy Sunday school that was after 10 o'clock mass, I loved it because of the snacks they offered. 

Religion has been in my life since birth, I couldn't think of a time where I wasn't surrounded in a religious setting. I remember when I was 10 years old and my aunt had taken all of us to a different church, it wasn't a catholic church but pentecostal-  however, church is church, to me everyone has the same faith. This type of church was very different and everyone was very welcoming at the start, at that time I felt like I did fit in, and it ended up with me comparing the catholic church and pentecostal church. I did find myself in this pentecostal church, it helped me because there were loads more people my age going there. To this day I'm still friends with some of them, however, I stopped going to that church, and church overall.

My time at the pentecostal church was on and off, I used to hang out with all the kids my age but then I started to become more focused on who's been there the longest and how many people you know. I became so fixated, that I wasn't going to church because of God I was going there because of the people I knew who were going to this specific service time, it was all about popularity. I remember bringing my friends to church and introducing them to everyone, I became too proud of which church I went to and who went to it. I remember the leaders in my group "suggesting" kids to raise money to go to a church concert. I didn't want to go to church for the wrong reasons, at that point I decided to go to church less and pray indoors.

Being an adult and having faith in God is difficult, I feel that I am constantly questioning my faith. 

Food for thought

You’ll come to different peaks in your life and suddenly you realise you are on your own journey.

Being on my own path has been hard. I cannot guarantee that everyday is great but I can say this, some days you’ll miss everything from your past you’ll feel scared and lonely. This is my mind and heart feeling too comfortable in a place where I know I need to move on from. Fear is an obstacle it perpetuates resistance and presents to me never ending long number of excuses to stop me leaving. If I’m stuck in a routine it means I’m too comfortable and not fulfilling what God has planned for me. 

The downside of rushing myself to heal too quickly can feel as if some days I want to bury myself  under my pillows and duvet and allow this negative emotion to ruin my whole day. 10 mins later I realise I’m being too hard on myself, I’m pressuring myself to get to where my friends are. It is exhausting to catch up with where my friends are in their life, I do struggle to remind myself to slow down I’m going through my own storm and so are they.  I may not be going in the same life path as them. 

Loving yourself is one of the difficult things to do, I had allowed myself to be at a place where my mental health was deteriorating. Whoever is reading this I understand some of you may be feeling but remember to put yourself first, we sacrifice our souls for temporary things. No matter how much comfort or happiness you believe you have, you are the one that owns this soul and mind. 

Let us think of ourselves as plants that need to be watered constantly, so what happens if we don’t water it for weeks? If you and I are thinking the same thing, yes the plant is dead. Remember to put yourself first, the constant negative energy that you have absorbed will ruin you, that was me at some points in my life. I fed myself from different energies where I realised I was lost. I’m not perfect I admit that, but I knew I stopped loving myself. Instead of spending time with myself, I looked for happiness everywhere I could get, most times it was all temporary and I did get lost in the moment.

Now I know I’m still healing and learning but I am happier than I’ve ever been. I can say this, time is one of the biggest factors, things didn’t happen instantly for me but I can already see there is a difference in me.