The types of toxic friends

In one of the older posts I had written about the types of guys you will have met, so the new post as you can tell from title are the types of toxic friends.

Fake friend

We've all come across this type of person, the symptoms are very hard to notice, it only becomes noticeable when they start to lower down their guard. An example could be the supposed friend compliments person A, and as soon as that person leaves they reveal their true feelings of them, there are many examples. Overall the individual doesn't express their true emotions, this type of person is not direct, which are signs that you should consider breaking away from them.


                                                                  Judgemental
                                                 

The judgemental friend, who is different than the fake friend. They are honest with their feelings, but someone who constantly critics you, a friend is supposed to support you, and laugh along with the silly moments, not a judge who weighs out all your faults.


                                                                         Clingy

It's great that you and your friend are close, but there needs to be space. This type of person loses out on allowing their friend space to do other things, or hang out with other people, it's ok if you see them, but not every day- give them space and not try to control who they see, or what they should say. Overall you should question yourself, is this a romantic relationship or friendship? If it's the first, consider speaking to the person, if they don't respect your feelings, time to say goodbye.

To all those who read are reading this, yes there are these types of people who you may or may not have in your life, sometimes it is better to walk away from a person who complicates your life, or even creates a negative atmosphere. It is not being cruel, but simply being mature and realizing you don't need these type of people in your life, simply wishing them well and walking away.

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Stop crying!

I had been planning to write about men's mental health, but it took a long time to think of what to write, or how to even start this post.

Firstly as a female, I cannot assume what most males are going through, although some of it can be understood through the media- making fun of men expressing emotions.

There have been films such as 'Fight Club' (spoiler alert to those who haven't watched the movie)  presents a male protagonist who unbeknownst to him has another personality- this separate character is the total opposite and shown through the eyes of the protagonist who sees him being masculine, a leader and confident who attracts the attention of females, the want to be this macho guy, all guys look up to. 

These types of behaviors are only expected in some countries mostly in western cultures, whereas countries such as South Korea; men express their emotions through physical behavior which is by male groups putting their arm around each other, or holding hands, it is encouraged by the media. Although only now mainstream media has encouraged males to express their emotions, this is most recent and society is slowly accepting this.
I asked most male respondents on their experiences with mental health, below are their responses:

• "Well it's true that for a long time emotionality in men has been looked upon in a negative light. There does seem to be a tendency in societies around the world to pigeonhole men into the role of the rock or figurehead of a group or family, which puts a lot of pressure on men to remain stoic and emotionally strong regardless of whether or not they feel that on the inside.As some equate the showing of emotion (crying, self-doubt etc) as a sign of weakness. In the west this has changed substantially I think because of the focus on mental health we have in the media nowadays ( movies, TV, the press). I think environment plays a large part in how willing a man is to show vulnerability and emotions if he is surrounded by people that won't judge him, the more likely he will be to open up about his feelings. If this is reversed and the man is raised in an environment, where the more violent potential of masculinity is the norm or a necessary requirement (i.e prisons, war zones, and rough neighbourhoods were male on male violence is common) this forces men to bury their vulnerability for the sake of survival. I think environment plays a large part in how willing a man is to show vulnerability and emotions if he is surrounded by people that won't judge him, the more likely he will be to open up about his feelings." 

• "One of my anxieties is thinking about the future, would I have a good life or a better job? So it's normally the guy thinking like this is because of the prehistoric times (protect, shelter, feed). It's mostly having anxiety where they think they can't better themselves. I can't do much, I think that I really can't improve on different areas of life. The times that I felt depressed was when my father left me."

• "Mental health amongst men is very common, not many men speak out about it simply because of set social standards and acts. Depression and anxiety, as well as stress, are things that I myself have experienced and were difficult to cope with as I also became part of the norm to not speak out and ask for help. Some days would feel like a struggle to live, breathing would become a heavy task and even speaking to others seemed like a burden. Living became an empty shell where I didn't really hope for anything or want anything - disappointed before things even began. Others around me felt the need to pick me up and that only added to both parties weight - I felt even more useless and a burden and they endured even more hardship. As it progressed, a lot of people tended to stop talking to me and I distanced myself.

• It was weird though, some days I would be perfectly fine and suddenly it would just smack me right in the face and everything turned upside down. I would stop eating food, going on with some days with just a simple meal consisting of a single apple, crisps and if I'm lucky maybe a sandwich. Breaking out of it is no easy task either, it definitely took me awhile to feel better but for me, there was a realization that hit me. I wanted to be happy and healthy, and enjoy life for what it is. I truly aim to love every second of life as it means so much, not to lose a moment - ever."

• "Depression comes whenever you're alone and there's a moment where you think just about yourself and how others view you and mainly think negative thoughts as I'm your head people judge you the way you are like you feel hated and not needed so you conclude to discard others or do stupid things to harm yourself."

• "For me, I would say I've had periods where I have felt severely depressed and periods where I've been very normal. And I'm not too sure what gets me in and out, but I can tell you that when I start feeling depressed, I know because I dislike being around people. I can't make eye contact, constantly have negative thoughts racing through my mind...would rather do things alone even though I feel lonely. I also declined invitations to things I previously enjoyed doing...I remember in college all I would is sit in my room, smoke weed and watch stuff on YouTube, that got a bit depressing but I chose not to do anything about it as there wasn't anybody to tell me differently. One day I decided to start going the gym. It helped but not really, I think the only thing that really helped was talking to my friends. Another time stress from uni was getting so much that I was having really bad thoughts, no matter how much I blocked them out I was still thinking about them...suicidal...but I was sane enough not to do it. I had to call up home. I ended up breaking down on the phone with my mum and she asked me to come home immediately. I didn't. I stayed and passed my exams. What got me through my depressive periods is friends and family, also not letting it beat me. I challenged it and I beat it instead. Off the record I experimented with a lot of drugs in university, that's what brought about a lot of the depression, it was mainly by the hallucinogenics."

Thank you to the male participants for sharing their experiences, it's hard to speak about mental health, but important that we are aware of this, and aim to encourage others to speak up. If you are experiencing or feeling this way, below is the CALM campaign link and phone number where you can get help right away, or would just like to speak to someone.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
0808 802 58 58

"Not today, Satan, not today!"

Happy International Women's day to all my fellow sisters! Per tradition this blog post is dedicated to celebrating women's day. There have been so many marvelous women throughout history, and present day that demonstrate how empowering they are. I want to talk about what still persists everywhere today, labels and stereotypes, I thought we were over this already. But that's not the case, there is yet of labeling to end, from a small age children are instantly given these name tags such as being "bossy" or told because of a specific gender they can't be athletic. Ironically these labels are said to them by their peers or relatives, when they grow up they are believed to be what they were labeled as.

It's not just the labels or stereotypes that are said by people, but it is also what the media subjects you to. I was brought up in a white neighborhood, all I saw was 'white' models, or actors that were defined as being "beautiful". Of course I still had my Asian roots, at home my family would still be enforcing the Nepalese culture onto me. Just imagine a brown kid living in South London during the 2000's, I was highly influenced with the western culture, and I'm really happy to see that the meaning of beauty presented in the media has changed, it's not just beauty being presented but it's giving the message that a girl is beautiful, but she's also smart.
There are so many amazing diverse women who influence me, I'm forever grateful to the women in my family for raising me, for teaching me values and for giving me advice, and being awesome.

However there are some powerful figures who are trying to take away women's rights, as women we can stand together, and continue to influence and empower all girls, giving them the mindset that they can do anything in life, be it a politician, artist, singer, actor anything, and that these young girls can learn to love their body, it's their body, their choice!

I have asked 4 females to write anywhere on the front of their body a negative label that was said to them, and at the back positive words in how they see themselves as.

                                                                      Ninotchka

I chose to write these three words because, I will not deny these words did not impact me, they did. It's terrible how someone can easily base a person's judgement by the way an individual greets someone. It's the same way how someone can have a grim way of thinking if a female is surrounded by males it means she's a "slut" or she is "easy". The word "easy" is a horrible word to use, in the dictionary its definition is "achieved without great effort", I am not a game to be played with. It's the same with the word "bossy", it was directed to me by my primary school friends, and the word was used negatively, I hate how women have to be called "bossy", whereas a man is called a "leader" the double standards of society. This word does not empower girls instead embarrasses many, and does not encourage them to speak out. I'm an extrovert, so when I greet any of my friends I will hug them, but when I was labelled as being "easy" I was taken a back, just because I have had a friendly conversation with any male individual I'm not asking to go out on a date, I am asking how you are and how is everything going, it is called a conversation.
                                                   

I wrote these words because this is how I actually feel about myself, there isn't a lot of loving one self, all I see now are females hating themselves because they don't have a certain type of body, I'll be honest I'm one of the females too, sometimes I'll have a day where I hate the way I look. Instead of criticizing myself, I'm learning to love myself. I love being a woman, there are biological differences with male and female, but there should not be others telling one another how the other should behave, and what to wear or who to love.
No matter what we wear, or how we maintain ourselves we are said to be "looking for it", or other comments such as "you look ill", or a comment I myself have received was, "you've changed, you're putting on all this eyeliner, who's it for?" (eye roll) who I'm putting it for, is for myself, and sometimes I like wearing make up, let us wear whatever we want instead of there being a reason why.

                                                                        Emma

Going to an all girls Catholic Secondary school, I was used to the idea and belief that girls should dress modestly. And, I'm not going to lie, up until 2 years ago I stood by that belief, often believing the ignorant and rude comments made at those who wear revealing clothes as them being 'slutty'. Even teachers would have a go at you in school for dressing 'indecently' during non-uniform days, it's ridiculous and I abided by these rules. It wasn't until I started to pay an interest in the current fashion and reading accounts of girls getting raped on the news, who were apprently 'asking for it' that I began to reconsider that idea. Why should what you wear have any effect on who you are as a person? It makes you no more or less of a lady of what you wear. Be happy with your body and you will be happy and love yourself more! If a man can go shirtless with a pair of shorts, I can go out and wear a t-shirt and shorts baring my legs. It's only slutty if you are taught to see it that way. I'd rather call it confidence with oneself.

I picked this word because that's the words I'd use to sum up my current state. Despite whatever sh*t you are going through, remember you are worth more than what you think. Keep going and carry on doing what makes you, you.




                                                                         Erika

Just because I'm hispanic and wearing a dress does not mean you can whistle at me and call me "mamasita". I am not a dog nor am I your "babe". If you want attention, call me by my name or if you don't know it an "excuse me" would suffice".

                                                                  Anonymous

Well we were talking about driving lessons and cars, and the boys started talking about how they want to break the speed limit. So I said that I couldn't wait to drive and go fast. They just laughed saying women can't drive fast because we're too scared. I guess I felt a little insecure and didn't know how to respond afterwards.

What I was trying to show was at the end of the day, people will always label you, or put you in a certain type of box, especially for women we tend to pit against one another. Instead we should learn to appreciate one another, being a woman myself sometimes we forget the good things about ourselves, and tend to accept all the negative labels being said. I would also like to remind those who can't say something nice, to find peace within themselves, and learn to say something nice. These women are not just your sisters, mothers, wives and daughters, they are human. We deserve the right to be respected.

                                                                     

"Not today, Satan, not today!"- quote I got from the amazing Bianca Del Rio