Hi my name is Ninotchka

This year I was diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. 

It's been a journey, and a tough one. It was a light bulb moment for me, it was like a missing puzzle piece for me. It made me understand myself more. But I was also left grieving for the support I wish could have received back then. However, it's not a surprise that women are tested late for ADHD.

Studies have been prioritised to focus primarily on ADHD in men, and women have created coping mechanisms to hide these symptoms, which is known as 'masking'. To add there is also the societal pressure of expectations on how a woman should act.

Before researching about this neurological disorder, I too thought it was just being hyperactive, or being immediately distracted. But this is further from the truth. It affects every part of your life, whether you are, or are not aware of it. 

ADHD is more commonly known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The irony is that this definition is outdated. It's nothing to do with having less concentration or hyperactivity, but more known as a neurological disorder. This is also known as executive dysfunction, if you Google the word, it is defined as a "behavioural symptom that disrupts a persons ability to regulate, control or manage their thoughts, emotions and processes."

I have been living life on the edge for 28 years without knowing I had ADHD, and this was due to masking since I was a kid. 

In my culture openly discussing ADHD is a taboo. Majority of the time you rarely hear about any Nepali who has ADHD, Autism, BPD, or even Bipolar disorder. The reason for this is people find it hard to accept their diagnosis, or they aren't educated on this.

I want to clarify ADHD is inherited, and not caused by taking pain relief, or external factors. ADHD doesn't suddenly appear during adulthood. It became evident to me as I got older that I was struggling, I often found it difficult to process information, and sometimes I had to ask for sentences to be repeated. Moreover, I could also relate my experiences to others who have ADHD. 

This blog post was something I was planning to publish, and although I was hesitant at first, I realise that talking about it might encourage the BAME community and the Nepali community to speak more openly about neurodivergence, and normalise these conversations. I want to highlight that everyone has their own experiences, but it is particularly evident that those in the BAME community face extra struggles due to the lack of support systems and services. This also includes the lack of representation online reflecting the community's limited voice. 

I hope we help those who are ashamed to talk about their diagnosis, or even those who might think they have ADHD. 

I don't know them anymore.

It’s been a few months since I shared my previous post on what had happened to me.

I know I am strong, I wake up everyday moving forward from this ordeal. But I do get triggered in random intervals, as a friend reminded me healing comes in waves. Every survivor is strong, but one thing that enrages me is that the perpetrator moves freely, I can say how much of a disgusting human being Sangit Khadka is. I know he’s probably told all his friends by now how much of a liar I am, and how much I wanted it really. 

I could give you all the statistics on rape, and how many women report it, or how many get their rapists jailed. I won’t be providing you with statistics, because it is all over the news. It is everywhere on the internet, all of you have access to every single information that is available to you online. 

I’m not here to convince you rape and sexual assault is wrong. Because it is wrong. It is inhumane. Even till this day it still happens to women and girls.

Thank you to those who showed me their support. Since posting about my rape I want to acknowledge the women who privately messaged me, and opened up  to me about their own experiences of being raped and sexually assaulted. I value how safe you felt to open up to me, know that you are brave. And unfortunately not everyone will understand how we feel everyday, but I am glad you are here, and fighting everyday. Please don't stop.

The whole intention from my previous post was to directly call out my rapist, and my cousin Neharika Chaudary who chose not to protect me, and has since been defending her actions.

But imagine having to convince people to show their support to you publicly. To tell people please voice your support. It is a shame people have to be told how to act.

It is a shame that we as girls, and women have to be blamed for what happened to us. 

It is also a shame there are women out there who affirm and favour the rapist by excusing his actions, and shaming the survivor. I call out on the behaviours of these women - they should be ashamed for supporting these men. 

But God forbid the female population are shamed for having sex outside of marriage, if any of us chose not to have sex this wouldn't have happened. If we had dressed, or acted more conservatively this wouldn't have happened. If we just kept quiet, and were good girls that stayed at home, none of this would have happened right?

Wrong. Any acts committed by a male, is a choice made by them. It was premediated. 

Regardless of how a female dresses, or behaves this will not encourage a man to rape or sexually assault them. Instead the man has already made the choice to commit this crime.

To all my relatives who think being silent, being “neutral” means you are mature. You are part of the problem. I am not surprised by their decisions, this is also a reality that ignorance is bliss to them. I don’t need to call out their names, but you know who you are. More so I have already chosen not to know them anymore.

Silence shows how much you side with the perpetrator. 

During this time of reflection I have realised how we as women, and girls are made to feel. That we are blamed, and convinced we are the ones who are at fault. Someone who has a South Asian background, we are told to bury these traumas, and carry on as if it's nothing. We must not allow society, or relatives to shame us for what has been done to us. This is not about picking sides, this is about your morals. This is not about you declaring both of them are your nieces, and you don't want to choose a side. This is not about you.

I hope that one day, instead of asking what she was wearing, or how she was behaving. We shame the man. No need to ask him questions on why he did. He had already decided as soon as he saw the woman or girl enter the room.

Those who are going through their own trauma, and want support know that you are not alone. When I realised I was raped I wanted to kill myself, all these thoughts were already attacking me. I thought if I had ended my life the pain would go away. But after a few months at home in London, I then realised I want to be alive, no matter how hard it was going to be, I had to keep pushing through, I wasn't going to let this motherfucker ruin my life. 

Please see below the services that can provide you with the support you need:

The London Survivors Gateway: www.survivorsgateway.london 

London Rape Crisis: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Samaritans: www.samaritans.org

Galop: (Specialist LGBTQI+ Support) www.galop.org.uk

Victim Support: www.victimsupport.org.uk (South London)

Survivors UK: www.survivorsuk.org (Men and boys who have been raped and sexually abused)