It’s funny when you haven’t lived your whole life in a country you were born in. I remember when I left Nepal, I was only 4 years old, I was upset with my mother and didn’t want to leave all my relatives and my cousin behind. Turbulence was dreadful and it was cramped on the plane, when I arrived in London it was night time. I stared at my surroundings and felt homesick, everything was loud. My aunt and great uncle greeted us and we arrived in my new home in South Croydon.
A few months later I had started school, it was a difficult time for me, I had an accent and my English was terrible. However I was only a child and looking back at it now it was impressive I was coping being in classes with a few words I could say in English.
I think that was the start of me rejecting my culture, I barely wanted to continue speaking Nepali and wanted to stop eating my home food. I remember teachers commenting, “she smells of curry” or people taking the piss out what Nepal sounds like “nipples” and groups of children bullying me because I looked different. So I swapped my dhal and bhat for sandwiches and pasta and avoided most parts of my culture.
It became evident in year 2 (I was 8 years old) I wanted to hide from where I was from. My mum forced me to wear our cultural dress for international evening. For those who don’t know what international evening is, it was an event ran by schools that allowed students to showcase their culture. This event was where each student could either bring their cultural food or even present a dance to show where they’re from.
I want to thank my mum for forcing me to wear a kurta that evening, it was showing everyone who I am and where I’m from, because now 26 year old me is happy that I didn’t wear jeans and a top that day. Even more I appreciate my mum, grandma and aunts encouraging me to speak Nepali at home because I would have lost my mother tongue.
When I was a teenager, I definitely felt out place, I was the only person from Nepal at my secondary (high-school). It made it difficult and sometimes I wished there was another Nepali. I was so jealous of all my friends who had their own groups (Latinas, Filipinos, Portuguese and many more groups).
I was 13 years old when I first returned to Nepal, it didn’t feel like home, of course it had been 9 years since I was last in Nepal, and I felt like a stranger in my own country. All I kept wishing was to go back home to England, skip to a further 7 years later and I was 20 years old, it was prominent I felt the cultural dysphoria.
I remember feeling so confused because some people in Nepal felt offended I called England my country, and the other half in England saying I’m British. I felt so lost and unsure who I was. But what I know is that I slowly fell in love with Nepal on my second visit and I started to appreciate the culture and wanted to practice my language. Of course even now speaking Nepali can be a bit difficult but staying there for 3 months helped me improve.
I’m forever grateful that I can speak my language and even though I’m not the most fluent I’m happy I’m always trying.
The language and food of my culture is something I want to keep a hold onto, but it is also the people I want to hold on to close in my life.
In my culture, and I’m sure in other cultures we have big families, we treat our cousins as brothers and sisters. This is something which has been encouraged and I was socialised into since I was small, my baby cousins are my little sisters and they truly are my sisters, and only in the recent years have I tried and truly yearn for a close relationship with the rest of my cousins. It made me desire to have this relationship with them because of my mum and her sisters close relationship with their cousins, hearing about their memories when they were young. Which is why I also miss my cousins in Nepal. So to my cousins in Nepal and elsewhere I am not sorry for the constant messaging and calls. I hope we maintain a close relationship wherever we are!
My friendship circle has also changed, I have my own group of Nepali friends and this is also one of the many reasons where I won’t forget about my culture and for me appreciate it more, one of the guys I know also showed me how to make Newari (a Nepalese tribe) momos, which I now wholeheartedly can make. Which also shaped my love of cooking!
So back to the present time, here I am missing Nepal, I remember my kaka (uncle) asking me why I love Nepal so much? I don’t have one answer for it, I have several, coming back makes me feel nostalgic, it’s a missing puzzle piece, it’s a part of me. I remember last week when I arrived in Kathmandu, as soon as I stepped into my bojus (grandmothers) house I realised how much I missed this country. It’s the people and the laidback, chill atmosphere, the complete opposite to London. Someone who has anxiety and depression, being in Nepal has helped me feel better and takes away my anxiety.
To the people who ask me who am I- I am both Nepali and British, I have a sense of belonging for both and this is who I am! Some times I will feel the cultural dysphoria, however I remind myself that I’m happy to be raised in two different places.
